"Schwarzenegger v. Entertainment Merchants Association" Irony

I’ve been lost so long in the monotony of the pending supreme court case, Schwarzenegger v. Entertainment Merchants Association, that I almost forgot to blog about the irony of the star of some of the best violent films ever targeted toward children being the one representing the State of California in arguing the constitutionality of the Violent Video Games Act.

Nice, did it all in one sentence.


Not gonna lie, in retrospect I feel pretty ridiculous having actually gone through all the trouble to produce that last post.

Jus’ puttin’ that out there.

How to Make a Waterfall Gravity Bong

So, given my last few posts which detail tried and true methods of getting away with smoking weed at home and college, I feel obligated to elaborate on the topic of making a waterfall gravity bong, also known as a “waterfall gb” or simply a “waterfall bong“.

I should note, the following specifications merely constitute my preferred style of waterfall gravity bong. You can extrapolate the physics of waterfall gravity bongs into virtually any manifestation. As long as it’s a container that sucks in weed smoke by releasing water, it’s a waterfall gravity bong.

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Actually this is quite late, I’m closer to 1,500 at this point.

I noticed it like two days ago and meant to post something about it then, but yesterday I realized I forgot.

Then today I realized that although I acknowledged to myself yesterday I forgot to write a post about it, I still didn’t actually write the post.

So here I am, writing about forgetting to write about what I’m writing now.

Epic "Passing By" Moment

Okay, before I even begin to divulge in this overly descriptive description of an earlier social encounter, I must urge those of you who haven’t read my earlier post, Awkward “Passing By” Moments, to do so prior to reading this one so as to avoid mass confusions.

Alright, now that’s out of the way I need to preface the following story with a brief tidbit of information:

Last semester I decided to take “Native American Literature” as a class to fulfill my only remaining English credit. The professor was a totally cool guy, almost definitely a past and future weed-head, but he was nonetheless an English teacher.

And those people fucking suck.

I may be able to see myself hitting a bong with the guy, but in the classroom he was a total dick. I recognize that as my fault though, if I wasn’t such a shitty student he wouldn’t have been so dickish, so whatever.

My point is that I basically kinda ended up sorta not really totally doing all the stuffs and things typically required of some such person as me before reaching the point often referred to by those who speak words as “completion.”

Sooo, I failed. But I still learned a shit load about Native Americans. For what it’s worth. Which isn’t much actually, considering we drove them to the edge of extinction with that whole campaign of genocide grade school teachers refer to as “American History.”

Anyway, so until today, I hadn’t seen said professor since last semester. Not totally by accident, I know where his office is and, well, I wasn’t exactly trying to hang around that area; seeing a professor who failed you the prior semester is perhaps one of the most awkward social encounters a student can find him or herself in.

Today, I found myself in that scenario. And I’m happy to say, I butt-fucked the shit out of this one.

The following takes place in my college library as I was rushing between printing out my homework for class, which was also in the library.

Rush into Library at 3:02pm to print out work for 3:00pm class * Fucking computer obviously has no sense of urgency * Get homework from printer * Get to stairs * Start walking up staOH SHIT IT’S HIM * WTF I don’t even have enough time to thi”Heyy, how ya doin?” * “Heyy, not bad, you?” * “Doin all right, hangin in there” * “Good, good to see ya”

Boo-fucking-SHIT-yeah! I just engaged the fuck out of that little bitch.

Hangin’ in there??? Where the fuck did I pull that one out of? I literally don’t think I’ve ever fucking said that before.

The adrenaline had only begun to subside once I took my seat in class.

99 Constitutional Law Case Briefs on the Wall…

So, I’ve been kind of a lazy sack of shit when it comes to my scholarly responsibilities.

I haven’t literally failed to complete, and now have to make up, 99 case briefs for my constitutional law class…

Just like 30 or so.

I guess that’s around the point you can expect an email along these lines:

Dear James,

I have learned that this Wednesday, March 30, is the deadline for withdrawing from a course with a “W” instead of a “WF.”  I bring this to your attention because at this point in the Constitutional Law course, you are in serious danger of failing.  As I pointed out in my note to you following the mid-term exam, you were already so far behind in your case briefs at mid-term that you risked forfeiting all credit for that portion of the grade.  You have not responded to my invitation to create a plan to make up the missing case briefs.  Worse, you have turned no work since the mid-term and have not attended class since spring break.

Your behavior tells me that you are not really interested in the course.  I am willing to allow you to withdraw with a grade of “W” if you wish to do so at this point.  I am also willing to let you stay in the class if you can persuade me that you are serious about making up the missing work, not missing any additional work, and studying enough so that you can perform adequately on the Opinion Assignment and the final exam.

To which the necessary reply is:

Professor ______,

I apologize for how little I have been communicating with you, but my intentions are still to finish the course. I can assure you that my behavior has been a horrible representation of my interest in the content of the course. Many of the briefs that I didn’t turn in have been completed, as on a number of occasions I simply forgot to hand them in at the end of class in my rush to make it on time to my next one.

As for the others, I would like to meet with you to create a plan to make them up if the offer still stands. I am free all day tomorrow (Wednesday) if that works for you; my class schedule is pretty busy for the rest of today.

What can I say, writing case briefs just isn’t as fun as blogging.

How to Get Away with Stuff #2 – Smoking Weed at College

Oh yes, here we are. It’s time for the second post in ewwty’s special How to Get Away with Stuff features. This time we are addressing how to get away with smoking weed at college.

While my readers are already pros at smoking weed at home, I would be remiss if my next step was not to instruct them the safe and sneaky ways to smoke weed in their college dorm room and get away with it.

I should note, smoking weed in your dorm room is never safe. The college or university owns your dorm room, and therefore has the right to come in and search on a whim. Your rights as a United States citizen are not the same as your rights as a student of the college or university you attend.

More by James Kalìwæ

How to Get Away with Stuff #1 – Smoking Weed at Home
How to Get Away with Stuff #3 – Passing a Urine Drug Test
Stoner Essentials #1 – Best Weed Grinders of 2015
Stoner Essentials #4 – Avoid Getting Caught Smoking Weed

Just as I mentioned early in the first article, I have never been caught smoking marijuana. By anyone: Neither my parents, nor the police, nor college authorities. And I’m not lucky enough for that to have been by luck.

If you follow exactly what I say, you will have the knowledge needed to smoke weed at college without getting caught.

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Page One | Page Two | Page Three | Page Four | Page Five

Problem #2 – No Smoking Indoors

Okay well this one isn’t really our fault. But it’s something we have to deal with.

Allow me to textually illustrate what happens in 1971 when I’m smoking outside a building and a young lady approaches, clearly struggling to carry a number of items. Let’s assume it’s a double entrance.

Go outside to smoke a cig * Young lady approaches door carrying multiple items * It will clearly be difficult for her to make entry into the building without help * Luckily, it’s 1971 and I see no reason why I can’t help her * “Hi there young lady, allow me” * “Oh, you’re too kind, sir” * Open door * Carry one item for her * Walk in behind her, cig in hand * Open second door for her * “There you go, miss” * “Why, how ever could I repay you?” * “Ummm, Sex?”

Hey, the 1970’s version of me is no less opportunistic.

Now let me textually illustrate that same scenario, except in 2011.

Go outside to smoke a cig * Young lady approaches door carrying multiple items * Dammit, It will clearly be awkward for me to watch her make entry into the building without help * Unfortunately, it’s 2011 and I see no way I can help her * Instead I have to stand here like an awkward douche-bag * I guess I could put the cigarette down … but that’s setting a bad precedent * Oh, good; she’s inside now

Point: made.