This mysterious gene often results in death.

Female Drivers

Okay, so this may evoke a few negative emotions from some of ya’ll. But oh well; it’d be disingenuous for me not to post it just because of what others may think.

Why the hell do we issue driver’s licenses to females? On the real. That shit blows my mind.

First off, don’t pin the misogynist tail on my ass right away. This has nothing to do with discrimination. It’s about common sense. Women are horrible fucking drivers. See what I did there? That’s bolded, italicized, AND underlined - AND followed by a ‘fucking.’ I think I’ve made my point.

Oh, but of course. My fancy textual ornamentation isn’t enough. Women desire elegance and wisdom. How vacuous of me. Now where was I?

Ummm… Oh yeah! This has nothing to do with discrimination. It’s about common sense.

Clearly there is something programmed deep within females’ genetic coding which, from the moment they enter a driver’s seat to the point they exit, cripples rational thought. It’s probably similar to the gene in deers that causes them to freeze when a vehicle is barreling directly towards them.

This mysterious gene kills.

It’s as though they lose the ability of depth perception once the engine starts. Every decision is hectically mulled over, and eventually executed a half second after no longer being a safe decision.

Example: Female driver preparing to turn left out of a parking lot onto a divided four-lane road. A mini-seisure of hesitation is brought on by the arduous task of judging whether or not the cars coming from either side will reach the intersection before completing the left turn. The cars are about ten seconds from reaching the intersection, and the turn will take about three. The mini-seisure lasts just long enough for the gap in traffic to close. Everyone in the car has long since assumed the driver has decided to wait for the next openingWHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE GUNS IT!!!

Next thing you know, everything is moving in slow motion as Death’s boney index finger scathes the peach-fuzz on your Adam’s apple. “Holy fucking shit! What the fuck was that that!?!?,” the passengers curiously exclaim, “Why didn’t you just go in the first fucking place?!?!”

Humorous. Quirky. Cute, even. Right?

Wrong.

Female are none of those things whilst driving… Tripping over your high-heels at a formal event is humorous. Rapping Lil Wayne’s abhorrently misogynistic lyrics every time one of his songs comes on is quirky. Playing with your hair when you’re bored is cute.

It's funny 'cuz high-heels are stupid. (© StyleCaster.com)

Guess why? Because those things don’t result in multiple deaths every single fucking day. While, on the other hand, a small city’s worth of people are killed in car accidents every year. In fact, I take back what I said earlier about discrimination having nothing to do with it. It is discrimination. Discrimination in the name of saving lives.

But, alas, I have no hard evidence to support these grievances. On the contrary, most empirical data indicates the opposite. Of course, empirical data can’t take into account the male who swerves out of the way of an inept female into another male… But I digress. I could sit here all day and go through a litany of theoretical examples illustrating females’ inferior driving abilities without anything being accomplished.

Luckily, I’m a man of action. And ideas. Ideas first though, then action.

My idea? Revoke the licenses of every female in the United States for two years. Two years, that’s it. If traffic fatalities don’t decrease substantially after those two years, ya’ll can have them back.

That’s not it, though. I’m all about fairness. Here’s the part that the ladies will actually like: in the highly unlikely instance that no visible downward trend of traffic fatalities occurred during those two years, male’s licenses will be revoked for two years.

See? Totally fair. I should run for office.

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Holy Effing Fuck

Have you ever set aside a food item or sugary beverage only to totally forget about it? And then you find it like four or five months later swarming with life? Like, not just a couple ants, but an actual array of taxonomically distinguishable biological entities?

This blog is that food item or sugary beverage. I haven’t logged-in in months, and I return to find that people are actually reading my shit. Less than a hundred views away from 15,000, with about 80-100 views per day on average.

Not to say that my readers are similar to mold and insects, just that they’re analogous to them – in this case, at least. Sure, mold and insects are nasty. But what isn’t nasty is life.

See what I did there? You were all: “I ain’t no moldy-ass insect,” and then I was all: “I know, ‘moldy-ass insect’ was meant to be representative of the miracle of life – which is what I was comparing you to,” then you were like: “Ohh word, you’re so awesome, man.”

Anyway, I find this new development rather exciting. If I’m not mistaken, I have pledged to begin writing regularly again in like my last two or three posts, so I won’t do that again simply because present James can make no predictions of what future James’s actions will be. I do have a few good marijuana-related ideas so I’ll probably end up doing those, but other than that I can make no promises.