Female Drivers
Why the hell do we issue driver’s licenses to females? On the real. That shit blows my mind.
First off, don’t pin the misogynist tail on my ass right away. This has nothing to do with discrimination. It’s about common sense. Women are horrible fucking drivers. See what I did there? That’s bolded, italicized, AND underlined - AND followed by a ‘fucking.’ I think I’ve made my point.
Oh, but of course. My fancy textual ornamentation isn’t enough. Women desire elegance and wisdom. How vacuous of me. Now where was I?
Ummm… Oh yeah! This has nothing to do with discrimination. It’s about common sense.
Clearly there is something programmed deep within females’ genetic coding which, from the moment they enter a driver’s seat to the point they exit, cripples rational thought. It’s probably similar to the gene in deers that causes them to freeze when a vehicle is barreling directly towards them.
This mysterious gene kills.
It’s as though they lose the ability of depth perception once the engine starts. Every decision is hectically mulled over, and eventually executed a half second after no longer being a safe decision.
Example: Female driver preparing to turn left out of a parking lot onto a divided four-lane road. A mini-seisure of hesitation is brought on by the arduous task of judging whether or not the cars coming from either side will reach the intersection before completing the left turn. The cars are about ten seconds from reaching the intersection, and the turn will take about three. The mini-seisure lasts just long enough for the gap in traffic to close. Everyone in the car has long since assumed the driver has decided to wait for the next openingWHEN ALL OF A SUDDEN SHE GUNS IT!!!
Next thing you know, everything is moving in slow motion as Death’s boney index finger scathes the peach-fuzz on your Adam’s apple. “Holy fucking shit! What the fuck was that that!?!?,” the passengers curiously exclaim, “Why didn’t you just go in the first fucking place?!?!”
Humorous. Quirky. Cute, even. Right?
Wrong.
Female are none of those things whilst driving… Tripping over your high-heels at a formal event is humorous. Rapping Lil Wayne’s abhorrently misogynistic lyrics every time one of his songs comes on is quirky. Playing with your hair when you’re bored is cute.
It's funny 'cuz high-heels are stupid. (© StyleCaster.com)
Guess why? Because those things don’t result in multiple deaths every single fucking day. While, on the other hand, a small city’s worth of people are killed in car accidents every year. In fact, I take back what I said earlier about discrimination having nothing to do with it. It is discrimination. Discrimination in the name of saving lives.
But, alas, I have no hard evidence to support these grievances. On the contrary, most empirical data indicates the opposite. Of course, empirical data can’t take into account the male who swerves out of the way of an inept female into another male… But I digress. I could sit here all day and go through a litany of theoretical examples illustrating females’ inferior driving abilities without anything being accomplished.
Luckily, I’m a man of action. And ideas. Ideas first though, then action.
My idea? Revoke the licenses of every female in the United States for two years. Two years, that’s it. If traffic fatalities don’t decrease substantially after those two years, ya’ll can have them back.
That’s not it, though. I’m all about fairness. Here’s the part that the ladies will actually like: in the highly unlikely instance that no visible downward trend of traffic fatalities occurred during those two years, male’s licenses will be revoked for two years.
See? Totally fair. I should run for office.
9 Responses to “Female Drivers”
Some good laughs here – thanks.
Hmm. By the same token no male under 30 should be allowed to drive or operate any kind of motorized vehicle (and I’m including mopeds and motorized skateboards here) unless they have a signed, notarized affidavit from an adult women certifying she will see to it that his balls are drained regularly.
Face it boys; if you aren’t getting laid you certainly shouldn’t be driving. If you see somebody spinning his primer-grey Honda up to 50 on a downtown street before fishtailing to a stop; that boy is celibate. Fat guy in quad-cab, turbo-diesel squeaking the tires from eight feet off the pavement; celibate. The kid that hit the overpass pylon at 95; just broke up with girlfriend.
No pussy no car keys.
Fair’s fair.
I have another idea! Let’s revoke the right for men to express their opinion for two years. Two years, that’s it. If everything in the world doesn’t get better, we’ll know the apocalypse has come.
HAHAHA! Fair enough. :P
Occasionally, while I am balancing my cell phone between my shoudler and ear, reaching around the back of my car seat to fling a baby doll/chip/binky/pretzel/sandwich/drink at my two year old, and shifting into third, I do almost swerve off the road. And my first thought: “fuck. I’m one of those female drivers.”
Mothers are typically better drivers than other women though, despite the increase in distractions. I don’t know how my mother and I survived through my childhood given how thoroughly I would distract her behind the wheel lol.
i agree totally, when you see them trying to park a car, reversing into or out of a space. Maybe ALL woman a born with a blonde gene but only a few have blonde hair.
Great post! As a passenger in a car driven by a woman I am, generally, frightened for the duration. I used to think it was because they wear such stupid shoes but, now that I know about their “mini-seisures of hesitation”, I understand the ladies’ driving afflictions a little better.
Haha, thank god the first person to find this was a guy. The ridiculousness of the way women drive is rather hard to express. ‘Mini-seisures of hesitation’ was the closest I could get to articulating it, I’m glad you understood what I was going for lol.