Everything Wrong with Today's Youth

So that’s a very old story from Countdown. But I just found it so let’s pretend it’s new.

I’m not one of those potheads who claim marijuana cures everything. However, I do think that when it comes down to it, a cookie with weed in it can’t be any worse for a child than the amphetamine concoctions we give them now.

This comes from personal experience; I’m 21 right now, which means I was an elementary school student during the Ritalin craze of the 90′s. I was tested for ADHD in second grade. I’ve always wondered, as my memory of the event is rather fuzzy, how you go about determining whether or not a seven-year-old has ADHD. Have you ever had a conversation with a seven-year-old?

Answer: No.

Because seven-year-olds are fucking stupid, and it’s impossible to have a conversation with one. You may have talked to a seven-year-old before. There’s a difference. Conversation involves the mutual exchange of ideas. If you find yourself wiser upon engaging in verbal communication with a seven-year-old, you’re either a six-year-old or a fucking moron.

Which leads me to my next question. How could you possibly diagnose a seven-year-old with a learning disability when the symptoms double as a description of most children under nine.

© Sponge (Obtained from Wikimedia)

Allow me to explain, the symptoms of ADHD as listed on WebMD are as follows:

• Difficulty paying attention to details and tendency to make careless mistakes in school or other activities; producing work that is often messy and careless.
• Easily distracted by irrelevant stimuli and frequently interrupting ongoing tasks to attend to trivial noises or events that are usually ignored by others
• Inability to sustain attention on tasks or activities
• Difficulty finishing schoolwork or paperwork or performing tasks that require concentration
• Frequent shifts from one uncompleted activity to another
• Procrastination
• Disorganized work habits
• Forgetfulness in daily activities (for example, missing appointments, forgetting to bring lunch)
• Failure to complete tasks such as homework or chores
• Frequent shifts in conversation, not listening to others, not keeping one’s mind on conversations, and not following details or rules of activities in social situations

Hmmm, that sounds awfully similar to every single seven-year-old ever. “Failure to complete tasks such as homework or chores”???

Let me get one thing straight. I didn’t do my homework or chores because I was seven. Seven-year-olds don’t give a fuck, as they lack a fuck to give. I certainly didn’t start doing either of those things once I was forced to start taking Ritalin every morning, and I’m pretty sure the only seven year olds who did care about that stuff were the ones getting their asses kicked by their schoolmates.

Moral of the story: make your kids get stoned when they’re young. That way it won’t be the cool thing to do when they get older.

This post brought to you by the letter weed.