Back by popular demand, I present the third installment of ewwty’s How to Get Away with Stuff series. This entry is all about how to pass a drug test. Specifically urine tests, also known as urinalysis.
This is long overdue. In the first two installments, my readers gained the know-how to avoid getting caught smoking marijuana at home and college with success. Though it was in my most honest intentions to write a number of follow-ups to those two, I instead opted to get high and write about something else. And then I just decided to get high. And then, well… Needless to say, I never did.
Nevertheless, I realize now how plainly irresponsible it was of me to be sending the little Google-searching hoodlums of the world off into the ravages of society with only half the formula, so to speak. The weed smoker’s trouble doesn’t end with merely getting away with the act of smoking weed. Society has another ace up its sleeve when it comes to dicking over cannabis users. Ya’ll know the beast to which I refer: the abominable urine drug test.
Notwithstanding the facts that forced you into the all-too-common predicament of passing a drug test, and regardless of the illegal substances you’ve consumed throughout the adventure of life, there is always a way for anyone to beat a drug test. Having said that, the options available to drug users faced with the indignity of drug testing are numerous and varying.
Furthermore, the ideal option for any given individual depends on a litany of factors, ranging from how much prior notice you’re granted, to your Body Mass Index (BMI). Below, I will lay these options out, and provide the information necessary for you to determine which course of action is best given the circumstances surrounding your drug test.
Assuming most who read this article are indeed facing an impending drug test, please try and tolerate my stupid attempts at being funny. I promise you, I’m aware that you’ve come across this article because you needed help, and therefore take very seriously the advice I give. Despite my self-indulgent writing style, I won’t stray from anything other than pure factual information on drug testing.
Moreover, I abhor the act of drug testing – as well as the frequency and manner with which it’s carried out in society – on a moral level. Given the douche-bag Republicans in Congress, and their crusade against everything decent, the practice is becoming more deplorable, with a number of US states effectively mandating that grown-ass adults be drug tested by making the reception of welfare contingent upon a urine sample. Bottom line, I feel very strong that drug testing is plain wrong in the vast majority of situations, and have a sincere desire to help those affected by drug tests to beat them.
Every method I lay out below is guaranteed to yield a passing drug test result – it’s a matter of science. However, they are not fool-proof. Don’t be a fool. Don’t take shortcuts. These methods will work if followed correctly. All you have to do is correctly follow them. This is where you should stop skimming. Continue reading