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Everything Wrong with Today's Youth

“Personified by the Writings of an Over-Functioning Pothead”

Tuesday, June 5th, 2012 How to Get Away with Stuff #3 – Passing a Urine Drug Test

Back by popular demand, I present the third installment of EWWTY’s How to Get Away with Stuff series. This entry is all about how to pass a urine drug test.

This is long overdue. In the first two installments, my readers gained the know-how to avoid getting caught smoking marijuana at home and college with success. Though it was in my most honest intentions to write a number of follow-ups to those two, I instead opted to get high and write about something else. And then I just decided to get high. And then, well… Needless to say, I never did.

Nevertheless, I realize now how plainly irresponsible it was of me to be sending the little Google-searching hoodlums of the world off into the ravages of society with only half the formula, so to speak. The weed smoker’s trouble doesn’t end with merely getting away with the act of smoking weed. Society has another ace up its sleeve when it comes to dicking over cannabis users. Ya’ll know the beast to which I refer: the abominable urine drug test.

Notwithstanding the situation that forced you into the all-too-common predicament of passing a drug test, and regardless of the illegal substances you’ve consumed throughout the adventure of life, there is always a way for anyone to pass a urine drug test. Having said that, the options available to drug users faced with the indignity of drug testing are numerous and varying.

Furthermore, the ideal option for any given individual depends on a litany of factors, ranging from how much prior notice you’re granted, to your Body Mass Index (BMI). Below, I will lay these options out, and do my best to provide the information necessary for you to determine which course of action is best given the circumstances surrounding your drug test.

Assuming most who read this article are indeed facing an impending drug test, please try and tolerate my stupid attempts at being funny. I promise you, I’m aware that you’ve come across this article because you needed help, and therefore take very seriously the advice I give.

Moreover, I abhor the act of drug testing – as well as the frequency and manner with which it’s carried out in society – on a moral level. Given the douche-bag Republicans in Congress, and their crusade against everything decent, the practice is becoming more deplorable, with a number of US states effectively mandating that grown-ass adults be drug tested by making the reception of welfare contingent upon a urine sample. Bottom line, I feel very strong that drug testing is plain wrong in the vast majority of situations, and have a sincere desire to help those affected by drug tests to beat them.

Every method I lay out below is guaranteed to yield a passing result – it’s a matter of science. However, they are not fool-proof. Don’t be a fool. Don’t take shortcuts. These methods will work if followed correctly. All you have to do is correctly follow them. This is where you should stop skimming.

How Urine Drug Tests Work

950px-Urine_sample

Public Domain. Taken from Wikimedia Commons.

Before I begin listing said methods, I’d like to first probe the annals of drug testing itself… And yes, the word choice of the previous sentence was intentional. Good writing always engenders images of butt-sex in the reader’s head. You’re welcome.

But I digress. First off, the most valuable thing I can provide anyone facing an impending drug test are the cold, hard facts about how urine drug testing works. As with everything technological, understanding the mechanics of urine drug tests provides insight into its weaknesses. Lucky for you, the current methods that exist are indeed wrought with flaws.

For the purposes of this article, we’ll assume marijuana is your drug of choice – though it works the same regardless of which drug your urine is being tested for. When weed smoke is inhaled, a multitude of cannabinoids – the natural chemicals unique to the cannabis plant – are given a one-way ticket to your bloodstream. While the mind-altering properties of each particular cannabinoid vary, the “high” experienced from smoking marijuana is attributed to one of these cannabinoids: 11-nor-D-9-tetrahydracanibinol, or THC.

THC is liposoluble, which means your fat cells eventually absorb them. I can’t speak to the detailed biology of metabolism, but once the toxin-laden fat cells are metabolized, or burned, they pass through your liver and out your vagina and/or penis. Urine drug tests are designed to detect a very small amount of the evidence left behind during this process.

Urine Drug Testing – Mythology and Methodology

One of the biggest misconceptions regarding marijuana use is the amount of time it takes to get out of your system. Most people assert the 30 day rule, which says a cessation period of 30 days is necessary to pass a drug test. I find this to be way overstated and vague.

First of all, it depends solely on the individual. Remember all that shit from like two paragraphs ago about THC being fat soluble? Well, by extension that would indicate that the rate at which your body rids itself of liposoluble toxins, such as THC, correlates directly with the rate at which it burns fat; a.k.a your body’s metabolism.

This is the part where I won’t dilly-dally around the subject. It takes longer for heavier individuals to detox from marijuana. However, does this mean that a heavyset individual who enjoys a single hit of a joint one time would have more THC toxins in their urine the next day than a skinny-ass dude who smokes multiple times every day (such as myself). No way, in fact I’d be very surprise if the heavyset individual would even fail a drug test in that situation, while the skinny-ass dude most certainly would.

My point being, the 30 day rule applies to the extremity of these factors. If you’re a fat fucking lazy piece of shit who smokes pot all day every day and makes zero effort to exercise or do anything at all to rectify the situation of their debilitating terminal obesity – it’ll probably take about 30 days, if not more, to rid your body of those toxins. If you’re of average stature, smoke every now-and-then on the weekends, and exercise regularly, you’ll be clean within 3-5 days. Unless you smoke an eighth of weed every day, and have been doing so for more than a few days, the toxins won’t have accrued to such an extent that your body can’t rid itself of them within a matter of four or five days.

Now that we’ve covered the mythology part, let’s move onto the methodology of urine drug tests. There exists a number of methods through which urine may be tested for drug toxins, but for all intents and purposes, they all fall within the realm of two categories. The most common and basic of which are home drug tests. These little bastards are easy to come by, and even easier to operate. For the most part, if a store sells condoms and tampons, they probably sell home drug tests too. To make matters worse, they’re inexpensive. However, they aren’t only cheap in price; home drug tests are laughably easy to beat.

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