facebook_like_button_big

The Three People You meet on Facebook

You ever log into Facebook and notice a Friend Request that you know you’ve accepted before? According to Facebook 4.8 percent of all active accounts are duplicate, non-human, or spam. This comes as no real news to me. In my list of friends now numbering in the thousands, I have always noticed spam friends, duplicate accounts, and friend(ing) friends pets and/or businesses.

The Spam friends should be the easiest to spot. They will find you on Facebook and claim to have went to High School or College with you, sometimes leaving you obnoxious, creepy messages about how they wish they got to know you. If you make the mistake of adding them to your online community, you will soon forget they even exist. From my experience, they don’t post often, but when they do it is usually about something intimate. Usually how they “wish someone would talk to them” it makes me miss Myspace. Also spam (the usually spammer being some sexual entity) Will always have a rather generic photo of themselves, especially if its a female.

The duplicate friend is usually very unhappy with his/her life or may have a hacker problem. Most times its unhappiness. The weirdest part about the duplicate friend is noticing that they have more than one active account. Some may not hide this fact, and post statuses and stuff from multiple accounts, but sometimes they are unaware of their multiple accounts. Unlike the Spammer, they won’t message you upon requesting addition friendship. Sometimes they’ll say “I had to make a new account because my mother added me on my last one” and I suppose I can understand that.

The Non-Human, Business, Pet friend is kind, hard working and gentle. Usually they are small business owners, local artist, and animal enthusiast. However, these people do not know how to create pages for their beloved pets and business ventures. So, instead they make accounts like humans and insist on friending people whom they know. These accounts are not really a problem, and actually gives you good insights to who a person really is and wants to be (hopefully, not employed by Facebook).

According to a new study of Facebook, many speculators are saying that these 3 categories  are confusing the numbers on Facebook so bad that the Facebook stock is down. It may be that or people getting tired of Facebook.

One must admit that Facebook is rather dull, and useless you having a baby. It seems the trend among my friends is marriage and babies, and I suppose that is normal…

DanCathyChickfilA

Don’t Eat the Chicken


The only time I have an urge to eat at Chick-Fil-a is on Sunday… (Un)fortunately, they are always closed on Sunday. It comes with the territory that is the owners philosophy: “Sunday is the day God rested, its the Sabbath and all people’s should have that day off to worship and fellowship in his name”(paraphrased).  This philosophy is Christian because the owner is a devoted christian who feels that God is real and Christianity is HIS truth. Continue reading

Obama_Chesh_5

Obama is Stealing My Ideas

Okay, so maybe the title of this post is a bit of a stretch. But I couldn’t help but notice something familiar about the controversial comments Obama made in Virginia the other day. Conservatives and Republicans only want you to hear the part where he said “If you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that!”

But then again, that’s why Fox News never broadcasts any of his speeches. Because if average conservatives were allowed to hear Obama speak two sentences without having some old, loud, racist, angry white guy loudly extrapolate how those sentences prove he’s Hitler reincarnate, they would be Fox News viewers no more. But I digress. Here’s the video of Obama’s speech in Virginia.

I couldn’t help but notice the idea he expressed – that individual success in America is attainable thanks to collectivist action in the past – is quite similar to a concept I poked at a while back.

Regardless of what I think, I want to know what my readers think. Would Mitt Romney have been able to achieve his level of success in a state of anarchy? Because that’s what it comes down to. Mitt Romney finds Obama’s comments insulting. What do you think?

Urine Sample

How to Get Away with Stuff #3 – Passing a Urine Drug Test

So you need to pass a drug test? Congratulations, you found the right article. This entry is all about how to pass a drug test. Specifically, passing urine drug tests - also known as urinalysis.

Notwithstanding the circumstances that forced you into the all-too-common predicament of passing a urine drug test, and regardless of the illegal substances you’ve consumed throughout the adventure of life, there is always a way for anyone to beat a urine drug test. Having said that, the options available to drug users faced with the indignity of drug testing are numerous and varying.

Furthermore, the ideal option for any given individual facing a urine drug test depends on a litany of factors, ranging from how much prior notice you’re granted, to your Body Mass Index (BMI).

Below, I will lay these options out, and provide the information necessary for you to determine which course of action is best given the circumstances surrounding your drug test.

Assuming most who read this are indeed facing an impending urine drug test, please try and tolerate my stupid attempts at being funny. I’m aware that you’ve come across this article because you needed serious help – that you career and/or freedom is likely contingent upon passing your drug test – and therefore take very seriously the advice I give. Despite my self-indulgent writing style, I won’t stray from anything other than pure factual information on urine drug testing.

Moreover, I abhor the act of drug testing – as well as the frequency and manner with which it’s carried out in society – on a moral level. Because of the douche-bags in Congress, and their crusade against everything decent, the practice is becoming more deplorable, with a number of US states effectively mandating that grown-ass adults be drug tested by making the reception of welfare contingent upon a urine sample.

Bottom line, I feel very strong that drug testing is plain wrong in the vast majority of situations, and have a sincere desire to help those affected by drug tests to pass them.

The techniques I lay out on the following pages are guaranteed to yield a passing urine drug test result – it’s a matter of science. However, they are not fool-proof. Don’t be a fool. Don’t take shortcuts. These methods will work if followed correctly. All you have to do is correctly follow them. This is where you should stop skimming.

Continue reading

DMT by Matt Sheehy

DMT Q&A with John Jr

DMT by Matt Sheehy

As those of you who follow EWWTY know, I published an article last month detailing my experience with DMT. If you haven’t read it you should do so now, it’s really good – and I’m rarely willing to say that about my work.

Anyway, the article attracted far more readers and positive feedback than I could have anticipated; I’ve spent roughly as much time responding to everyone as I did writing the piece (which is awesome).

One of my readers, John Jr, had a series of really thoughtful questions about my DMT experience. I realized soon after reading them that my answers would be substantive enough to call for a separate new post. So, without further adieu: Continue reading

54389823

Senility

I had one of those moments today where I though of something really good to write about.

And then life threw a minor distraction my way, diverging my train of thought for a matter of mere seconds. Next think I knew, I was thrust into that frustrating mental limbo where I could remember having had the idea, whilst possessing absolutely no immediate knowledge of what it actually was.

Defeated, I ventured to the porch for a cigarette. Whereupon I checked my phone for the time, inadvertently revealing a gift past James was thoughtful enough to leave for future James – an unsent text message articulating my super good idea. It read:

Senility as defense mechanism against fear of death

Though it worked to refresh my memory, it also made me realize it wasn’t really that good an idea in the first place.

To elaborate, it was a fleeting idea that crossed my mind. The simple hypothesis was that senility is just another human function, the purpose of which is to maintain happiness and contentment in the face of imminent death. Think about it, have you ever heard an old person say they fear death? I mean like, a really old person.

I hope the answer to that hypothetical question is no, because otherwise that must’ve been a pretty fucking awkward situation with granny. But I digress. My point is, having lived a fulfilled life can’t be the only thing that caused old dying people to not fear death. And that’s why old people become senile, so they can at least live out their final days doing something – anything – other than dwelling on their imminent death.

That was before I realized that science would suggest, as it indeed does, that senility is a symptom, and could in no way be a result of evolution – considering that reaching senility pretty much means you’ve already survived successfully, and ain’t gonna have much chance to spread your seed anymore.

That was before I recognized the irony of the previous thirty minutes of my life – that is, my senile efforts to remember this thought – which, in and of itself, is something worth writing about.

And thus is the twisted nature of my creative process.

2mormons-791887

Reasons Mormons are Weird: Volume One

Surfing through the sewer that is American internet news publications, I came across the following story, which is an elaboration upon an issue msnbc.com has covered at least once prior:

Mormon Church Tries to Limit Baptism of Deceased Jews

Now, you may be wondering, “What the fuck?”

If that’s the case, clearly someone isn’t reading enough news.

Incase you’re unaware: Yes, the Mormon church engages in forced, post-mortem baptisms. Which means they “baptize” dead people who were never baptized whilst living. Like, regardless of anything the person ever said or stood for, or what the deceased’s kin say.

Oh, and they do it to dead Jews. And not just any dead Jews. Dead holocaust victims.

Because if you’re gonna do some weird freaky Mormon shit, why not just say, “fuck it,” and make it as distasteful and inconsiderate of everyone else as possible. That’s how Mormons roll, I guess.

This spurred me to start a theme of posts dissecting the issue of Mormons’ weirdness.

So, to be clear, reason number one Mormons are weird is that they perform post-mortem baptisms on Jews who died during the holocaust.

Holy Gonads: A Year of Blogging

Whilst browsing this blog today in order to ensure nothing is askew, I noticed a little detail. Both the first and last month listed under my “Archive” section are March. Which would support the thesis that EWWTY is officially one year old.

When I first started EWWTY, I had hoped to challenge myself by writing for it every day. While I didn’t end up meeting that challenge, I did manage to write daily for a few months. And I did, at least, manage to write often enough to maintain the blog.

Though I never managed to make WordPress.com’s Freshly Pressed, I’d say it’s been a successful experience. The fact that anyone found my writing thus far to be interesting is good enough for me. My philosophy is that if I keep on keepin’ on, one of my pieces will eventually end up being recognized. Probably when I least expect it.

A big thanks to all the readers and followers I’ve accumulated throughout the course of this year!

Personified by the Writings of an Over-Functioning Pothead

%d bloggers like this: