DanCathyChickfilA

Don’t Eat the Chicken


The only time I have an urge to eat at Chick-Fil-a is on Sunday… (Un)fortunately, they are always closed on Sunday. It comes with the territory that is the owners philosophy: “Sunday is the day God rested, its the Sabbath and all people’s should have that day off to worship and fellowship in his name”(paraphrased).  This philosophy is Christian because the owner is a devoted christian who feels that God is real and Christianity is HIS truth. Continue reading

Obama_Chesh_5

Obama is Stealing My Ideas

Okay, so maybe the title of this post is a bit of a stretch. But I couldn’t help but notice something familiar about the controversial comments Obama made in Virginia the other day. Conservatives and Republicans only want you to hear the part where he said “If you’ve got a business, you didn’t build that!”

But then again, that’s why Fox News never broadcasts any of his speeches. Because if average conservatives were allowed to hear Obama speak two sentences without having some old, loud, racist, angry white guy loudly extrapolate how those sentences prove he’s Hitler reincarnate, they would be Fox News viewers no more. But I digress. Here’s the video of Obama’s speech in Virginia.

I couldn’t help but notice the idea he expressed – that individual success in America is attainable thanks to collectivist action in the past – is quite similar to a concept I poked at a while back.

Regardless of what I think, I want to know what my readers think. Would Mitt Romney have been able to achieve his level of success in a state of anarchy? Because that’s what it comes down to. Mitt Romney finds Obama’s comments insulting. What do you think?

Urine Sample

How to Get Away with Stuff #3 – Passing a Drug Test

Back by popular demand, I present the third installment of ewwty’s How to Get Away with Stuff series. This entry is all about how to pass a drug test. Specifically, passing urine drug tests - also known as urinalysis.

This is long overdue. In the first two installments, my readers gained the know-how to avoid getting caught smoking weed at home and college with success. Though it was in my most honest intentions to write a number of follow-ups to those two, I instead opted to get high and write about something else. And then I just decided to get high. And then, well… Needless to say, I never did.

Nevertheless, I realize now how plainly irresponsible it was of me to be sending the little Google-searching hoodlums of the world off into the ravages of society with only half the formula, so to speak. The weed smoker’s trouble doesn’t end with merely getting away with the act of smoking weed. Society has another ace up its sleeve when it comes to dicking over cannabis users. Ya’ll know the beast to which I refer: the abominable urine drug test.

Notwithstanding the facts that forced you into the all-too-common predicament of passing a drug test, and regardless of the illegal substances you’ve consumed throughout the adventure of life, there is always a way for anyone to beat a urine drug test. Having said that, the options available to drug users faced with the indignity of drug testing are numerous and varying.

Furthermore, the ideal option for any given individual depends on a litany of factors, ranging from how much prior notice you’re granted, to your Body Mass Index (BMI).

Below, I will lay these options out, and provide the information necessary for you to determine which course of action is best given the circumstances surrounding your drug test.

Assuming most who read this article are indeed facing an impending drug test, please try and tolerate my stupid attempts at being funny. I promise you, I’m aware that you’ve come across this article because you needed help, and therefore take very seriously the advice I give. Despite my self-indulgent writing style, I won’t stray from anything other than pure factual information on drug testing.

Moreover, I abhor the act of drug testing – as well as the frequency and manner with which it’s carried out in society – on a moral level. Because of the douche-bags in Congress, and their crusade against everything decent, the practice is becoming more deplorable, with a number of US states effectively mandating that grown-ass adults be drug tested by making the reception of welfare contingent upon a urine sample.

Bottom line, I feel very strong that drug testing is plain wrong in the vast majority of situations, and have a sincere desire to help those affected by drug tests to beat them.

Every method I lay out below is guaranteed to yield a passing drug test result – it’s a matter of science. However, they are not fool-proof. Don’t be a fool. Don’t take shortcuts. These methods will work if followed correctly. All you have to do is correctly follow them. This is where you should stop skimming.

Continue reading

DMT by Matt Sheehy

DMT Q&A with John Jr

DMT by Matt Sheehy

As those of you who follow EWWTY know, I published an article last month detailing my experience with DMT. If you haven’t read it you should do so now, it’s really good – and I’m rarely willing to say that about my work.

Anyway, the article attracted far more readers and positive feedback than I could have anticipated; I’ve spent roughly as much time responding to everyone as I did writing the piece (which is awesome).

One of my readers, John Jr, had a series of really thoughtful questions about my DMT experience. I realized soon after reading them that my answers would be substantive enough to call for a separate new post. So, without further adieu: Continue reading

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Senility

I had one of those moments today where I though of something really good to write about.

And then life threw a minor distraction my way, diverging my train of thought for a matter of mere seconds. Next think I knew, I was thrust into that frustrating mental limbo where I could remember having had the idea, whilst possessing absolutely no immediate knowledge of what it actually was.

Defeated, I ventured to the porch for a cigarette. Whereupon I checked my phone for the time, inadvertently revealing a gift past James was thoughtful enough to leave for future James – an unsent text message articulating my super good idea. It read:

Senility as defense mechanism against fear of death

Though it worked to refresh my memory, it also made me realize it wasn’t really that good an idea in the first place.

To elaborate, it was a fleeting idea that crossed my mind. The simple hypothesis was that senility is just another human function, the purpose of which is to maintain happiness and contentment in the face of imminent death. Think about it, have you ever heard an old person say they fear death? I mean like, a really old person.

I hope the answer to that hypothetical question is no, because otherwise that must’ve been a pretty fucking awkward situation with granny. But I digress. My point is, having lived a fulfilled life can’t be the only thing that caused old dying people to not fear death. And that’s why old people become senile, so they can at least live out their final days doing something – anything – other than dwelling on their imminent death.

That was before I realized that science would suggest, as it indeed does, that senility is a symptom, and could in no way be a result of evolution – considering that reaching senility pretty much means you’ve already survived successfully, and ain’t gonna have much chance to spread your seed anymore.

That was before I recognized the irony of the previous thirty minutes of my life – that is, my senile efforts to remember this thought – which, in and of itself, is something worth writing about.

And thus is the twisted nature of my creative process.

2mormons-791887

Reasons Mormons are Weird: Volume One

Surfing through the sewer that is American internet news publications, I came across the following story, which is an elaboration upon an issue msnbc.com has covered at least once prior:

Mormon Church Tries to Limit Baptism of Deceased Jews

Now, you may be wondering, “What the fuck?”

If that’s the case, clearly someone isn’t reading enough news.

Incase you’re unaware: Yes, the Mormon church engages in forced, post-mortem baptisms. Which means they “baptize” dead people who were never baptized whilst living. Like, regardless of anything the person ever said or stood for, or what the deceased’s kin say.

Oh, and they do it to dead Jews. And not just any dead Jews. Dead holocaust victims.

Because if you’re gonna do some weird freaky Mormon shit, why not just say, “fuck it,” and make it as distasteful and inconsiderate of everyone else as possible. That’s how Mormons roll, I guess.

This spurred me to start a theme of posts dissecting the issue of Mormons’ weirdness.

So, to be clear, reason number one Mormons are weird is that they perform post-mortem baptisms on Jews who died during the holocaust.

Holy Gonads: A Year of Blogging

Whilst browsing this blog today in order to ensure nothing is askew, I noticed a little detail. Both the first and last month listed under my “Archive” section are March. Which would support the thesis that EWWTY is officially one year old.

When I first started EWWTY, I had hoped to challenge myself by writing for it every day. While I didn’t end up meeting that challenge, I did manage to write daily for a few months. And I did, at least, manage to write often enough to maintain the blog.

Though I never managed to make WordPress.com’s Freshly Pressed, I’d say it’s been a successful experience. The fact that anyone found my writing thus far to be interesting is good enough for me. My philosophy is that if I keep on keepin’ on, one of my pieces will eventually end up being recognized. Probably when I least expect it.

A big thanks to all the readers and followers I’ve accumulated throughout the course of this year!

Judge_Cebull2

Misconduct review imminent for Anti-Obama judge

LA Times reports:

The Judicial Council of the U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals opened a misconduct review of Montana’s chief federal District Court judge for forwarding a racially charged email about President Obama from his courthouse computer.

Judge Richard F. Cebull asked for the review as calls mounted Thursday for his immediate resignation. Legal ethics experts predicted the incident would result in a public admonishment.

The judge, appointed byPresident George W. Bush12 years ago, maintained after the email became public that it was meant to be seen as anti-Obama and not racist, but added, “I can obviously understand why people would be offended.”

What is all this over, you might be asking. This is all over the following email, which this federal judge obviously couldn’t help but propagate.

Subject: A MOM’S MEMORY

“Normally I don’t send or forward a lot of these, but even by my standards, it was a bit touching. I want all of my friends to feel what I felt when I read this. Hope it touches your heart like it did mine.

“A little boy said to his mother; ‘Mommy, how come I’m black and you’re white?’ His mother replied, ‘Don’t even go there Barack! From what I can remember about that party, you’re lucky you don’t bark!’ “

Now, it does seem this guy is at least more apologetic than most conservative Republicans have ever been toward Obama, but I’ll let you decide how sincere they are; especially in the face of this misconduct review:

“I sincerely and profusely apologize to you and your family for the email I forwarded,” Cebull wrote. “I have no one to blame but myself.” Before adding, “Please forgive me.”

I don’t even know what to think of this type of shit anymore.

Personified by the Writings of an Over-Functioning Pothead

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