Everything Wrong with Today's Youth

Personified by the Writings of an Over-Functioning Pothead

Posts tagged ‘college’

DMT Experience Featured

Update: Be sure to check out these other great articles about DMT. After reading this one, of course. :)

Preface

DMT Information

I experienced the most terrifying and profound drug trip of my life recently.

Yes, the following article is, in part, a report on the experience of tripping on the hallucinogenic drug DMT; but I promise this article is not an obnoxious recount of how silly it made me and my friends act, or anything of that vein.

DMT, short for dimethyltryptamine (pronounced die-meth-ill-trip-ta-mean), is a chemical substance found in an enormous variety of plants. DMT is conjectured to be produced by the pineal gland of mammalian brains. When smoked, DMT is perhaps the most powerful hallucinogen known to man - a statement about which I was skeptical only until I smoked it. Continue reading…

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Summer So Far

I’m in the mood to write right now. Accordingly, I’m going to try to assemble a readable description of my summer so far. I’ll start from the beginning, right around the time I stopped posting on this blog.

The feasibility of acquiring an internship being ambiguous, I accepted the job offered to me by my previous summer employer, whom I worked for the two consecutive summers prior. It’s a solid job at a small summer day-camp where I lifeguard and teach swim lessons to varying-aged groups of children throughout the day; I was to be hired as the “manager” (I put manager in quotes because there’s three guards other than myself). It involves working Monday through Friday from 9:30am to 3:00pm.

Let me take this opportunity to acknowledge the fear present in the hearts of my readers with children. You can rest easy knowing that I genuinely love the children very much and am extremely responsible when it comes to them.

And by “love”, I mean “fear”; and by “children” I mean “parent’s lawyers”, but the effect is the same.

So after committing to this job, I learned of an internship opportunity at a local radio station in my home town. Actually, it’s a company which owns a couple radio stations.

I really wanted to do an internship this summer as the only other alternatives were to do one during either Fall or Spring Semester, which I definitely didn’t wanna do. So about a week before my Summer job started, I began interning for them.

And so hence the position I find myself in now. The lifeguarding job, while stressful, is wholly uninteresting. There’s not really a whole lot going on during it for me to come home and want to write about it.

It’s just boring.

I come in, wait for screaming children to arrive, teach the younger ones how to swim, teach the older ones how to swim better, make sure none of them drown, go home. The other lifeguards are cool, but they’re just as bored as I am. The worst part is that, while boring, it can still be rather exhausting. It’s not construction work, but it’s not the same as most lifeguard jobs, which involve a lot of sitting around in the sun.

Oh yeah, and that’s the other thing. It’s an indoor pool. Do you know how much it sucks to work at an indoor pool during the summer? Let’s just say you can breath easier in a storm cloud. At least storm clouds don’t include noxious pool chemical particulates.

It’s not good for the “creative process” so to speak.

Working at the radio station is mostly pretty cool, except I’m usually so drained by the humid monotony of the lifeguarding job to fully enjoy it and be at my best.

The best slash worst slash best again part of working in radio are the people you meet when one or both of the stations goes out to events.

First and foremost, one of the stations is a contemporary country music station; the listener-base is “redneck” with a side of “southern redneck” and little bits and pieces of “racist redneck” sprinkled on top. So when we sponsor an event or do a broadcast remote, only the most dedicated of the station’s redneck constituency are in attendance.

So out of that sub-constituency of listeners who actually show up, the ones charismatic enough to come up and talk to us are the ones I get to interact with.

Often throughout life, when I’ve seen a person doing a typical redneck impersonation, I’ve thought to myself “Ahhh, they’re not really that bad…”

They’re worse.

It’s as if they’re making fun of the way they talk and act simply by talking and acting. If, within the crowd of rednecks at these events, there were five comedians doing blatantly cliche and offensive impersonations of rednecks, the rednecks and I would be none the wiser.

So that’s what I’ve been up to.

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Humorous Social Encounter with Security Guard

I walk outside my building at around 4:30am to smoke a cigarette. Soon after, a young lady approaches to enter the door.

Ewwwww!!!!

She exclaims, drawing attention to the condom that had been slid over the door handle by an unknown fuckass. It catches me off guard,

Awww, that’s just naasty,

I agree.

Why would someone even do that?,

She ponders.

Short awkward silence. I attempt to break it,

It… doesn’t look like there’s any cum in it… for what it’s worth…

She looks at me weird and walks away to the other door.

I continue to enjoy my smooth yet bold yet smooth again Marlboro Light until a female security guard approaches from afar. I greet her kindly as she walks up to the door. And suddenly stops.

….What’s that?

She asks begrudgingly.

Uh, looks like a condom to me,

I suggest.

Awkward silence. I attempt to break it,

I didn’t put it there… I just didn’t, you know, move it when I saw it.

She looks at me weird and walks away to the other door.

I finish my cigarette and easily manage to open the door without even getting close to touching the unused condom.

Winning.

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Video: Further Insectual Drama

Okay, the insect situation in my room has just gone from Guarded to Severe in about the last 45 minutes.

Their varieties have grown by significant numbers, and are often exotic in nature, and possibly deadly.

I spotted one of the most repulsive little ugly sneaky fucks earlier and managed to document the finding.

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Insectual Encounters

Ugh, sometimes I hate college.

Today I woke up, stumbled to the sink in my room to brush my teeth, opened the medicine cabinet AND OUT CRAWLED A BIG-ASS MOTHA FUCKIN COCKROACH!

Insectual Fiends

I must say, however, it’s a fantastic way to get your blood pumpin’ in the morning.

Especially if you’re like me and insects of all sorts freak you the fuck out.

Do you people get what they are? Insects, especially cockroaches, are basically fucking aliens, except the planet they evolved on was Earth during a totally separate time period as us. Earth was so different when they evolved, it might as well have been an alien planet. They are not suited for our comfortable lifestyle.

Anyways, back to the issue at hand. It’s like the fourth time I’ve encountered a cockroach within a single minute of waking up, just a few days prior I opened my door and a little bastard ran in right past my feet. I did what any self-respecting man would do: I danced up and down on my tipi-toes like some old western douchebag was shootin at my feet… and yelped.

So, I’m not sure if I keep seeing the same little bastard or if there’s a bunch of little bastards. But this I do know: They’re smart little bastards and are aware of when I sleep and when I wake, because I never see them except for in the morning when I wake up, then they run away to some little hiding place and I never see them again.

They’re plotting our downfall from within the confines of our very own homes. And we’re just sitting by, clueless to the impending take-over of the human race by our insectual rivals.

I must implore you all take necessary measures to ensure that your house is rid of all these evil cockroach fiends, so that our society may be free once more from the threat of dictatorial insectual rule.

In the mean time, I’m gonna keep using them to help me wake up.

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Problem #3 – Improper Library Usage

Ah, the library.

It’s been a while since I published my first post about specific problems with today’s youth. This one deals with what happens when I seek to escape the clusterfuck of noise coming from the dorm rooms surrounding mine.

I pack up my shit and begrudgingly go to the library.

But what happens when I get there? After I get settled in the computer lab and get ready to do my work?

Well usually I realize I forgot something I need and have to go all the way back to my room to get it.

But after that, what happens?

Some fucking clit-licker decides they can’t get their work done unless they blast Nicki Minaj’s album Pink Friday directly into their ear holes at a volume which allows for my ear holes to understand Nicki word for word when she articulates such tidbits of deep philosophical knowledge as,

I just pop up on these hoes on some pimple shit
And put an iron to your face you old wrinkled bitch

which is only a problem because when language such as that is directly juxtaposed against any Supreme Court case I’m likely trying to read by that point, it’s hard to remain passionate about American law knowing that it facilitates the very forms of expression that inhibit me from studying it.

But if it isn’t the clit-licker blasting Nicki Minaj, it’s the cum-guzzling bitches in the corner on Facebook talking loudly about everything other than academics. Not that talking loudly about academics would distract me any less, but at least it wouldn’t make them cum-guzzling bitches.

(To clarify, I’m not being misogynistic; two men can be cum-guzzling bitches too if they go into a school library and use Facebook as a means to facilitate their gossip).

Of course, although I complain, I know it could be worse. The following is a rave that took place in the library of James Madison University in 2009.

Now, ignoring the fact that I just happened to be in Harrisonburg, Virginia that weekend to see my friends at JMU, and I just happened to stay for the rave that Sunday night, the above video is a perfect example of what’s wrong with today’s youth.

Does anyone else suffer from problems such as this? If so, what do you do when some ass is being distracting in the Library? If not, what would you do?

I want to know because I find the way people interact with each other, especially in situations like this, to be interesting. I want to find how much the way people deal with difficult individuals differs from person to person.

 

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“Schwarzenegger v. Entertainment Merchants Association” Irony

I’ve been lost so long in the monotony of the pending supreme court case, Schwarzenegger v. Entertainment Merchants Association, that I almost forgot to blog about the irony of the star of some of the best violent films ever targeted toward children being the one representing the State of California in arguing the constitutionality of the Violent Video Games Act.

Nice, did it all in one sentence.

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Epic “Passing By” Moment

Okay, before I even begin to divulge in this overly descriptive description of an earlier social encounter, I must urge those of you who haven’t read my earlier post, Awkward “Passing By” Moments, to do so prior to reading this one so as to avoid mass confusions.

Alright, now that’s out of the way I need to preface the following story with a brief tidbit of information:

Last semester I decided to take “Native American Literature” as a class to fulfill my only remaining English credit. The professor was a totally cool guy, almost definitely a past and future weed-head, but he was nonetheless an English teacher.

And those people fucking suck.

I may be able to see myself hitting a bong with the guy, but in the classroom he was a total dick. I recognize that as my fault though, if I wasn’t such a shitty student he wouldn’t have been so dickish, so whatever.

My point is that I basically kinda ended up sorta not really totally doing all the stuffs and things typically required of some such person as me before reaching the point often referred to by those who speak words as “completion.”

Sooo, I failed. But I still learned a shit load about Native Americans. For what it’s worth. Which isn’t much actually, considering we drove them to the edge of extinction with that whole campaign of genocide grade school teachers refer to as “American History.”

Anyway, so until today, I hadn’t seen said professor since last semester. Not totally by accident, I know where his office is and, well, I wasn’t exactly trying to hang around that area; seeing a professor who failed you the prior semester is perhaps one of the most awkward social encounters a student can find him or herself in.

Today, I found myself in that scenario. And I’m happy to say, I butt-fucked the shit out of this one.

The following takes place in my college library as I was rushing between printing out my homework for class, which was also in the library.

Rush into Library at 3:02pm to print out work for 3:00pm class * Fucking computer obviously has no sense of urgency * Get homework from printer * Get to stairs * Start walking up staOH SHIT IT’S HIM * WTF I don’t even have enough time to thi”Heyy, how ya doin?” * “Heyy, not bad, you?” * “Doin all right, hangin in there” * “Good, good to see ya”

Boo-fucking-SHIT-yeah! I just engaged the fuck out of that little bitch.

Hangin’ in there??? Where the fuck did I pull that one out of? I literally don’t think I’ve ever fucking said that before.

The adrenaline had only begun to subside once I took my seat in class.

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How to Get Away with Stuff #2 – Smoking Weed at College


Oh yes, here we are. It’s time for the second post in EWWTY’s special How to Get Away with Stuff features. This time we are addressing how to get away with smoking weed at college.

While my readers are already pros at smoking weed at home, I would be remiss if my next step was not to instruct them the safe and sneaky ways to smoke weed in their college dorm room and get away with it.

Smoking marijuana in your dorm room is never safe. The college or university owns your dorm room, and therefore has the right to come in and search on a whim. Your rights as a United States citizen are not the same as your rights as a student of the college or university you attend.

Just as I mentioned early in the first “How to Get Away with Stuff” post, and despite the fact that I have smoked weed regularly for over five years now, I have never been caught smoking marijuana at college, home, or by police. And I’m not lucky enough a person for that to have been by luck.

Remember, if you follow exactly what I say, you will have the knowledge needed to smoke weed at college without getting caught.


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Problem #2 – No Smoking Indoors

Okay well this one isn’t really our fault. But it’s something we have to deal with.

Allow me to textually illustrate what happens in 1971 when I’m smoking outside a building and a young lady approaches, clearly struggling to carry a number of items. Let’s assume it’s a double entrance.

Go outside to smoke a cig * Young lady approaches door carrying multiple items * It will clearly be difficult for her to make entry into the building without help * Luckily, it’s 1971 and I see no reason why I can’t help her * “Hi there young lady, allow me” * “Oh, you’re too kind, sir” * Open door * Carry one item for her * Walk in behind her, cig in hand * Open second door for her * “There you go, miss” * “Why, how ever could I repay you?” * “Ummm, Sex?”

Hey, the 1970′s version of me is no less opportunistic.

Now let me textually illustrate that same scenario, except in 2011.

Go outside to smoke a cig * Young lady approaches door carrying multiple items * Dammit, It will clearly be awkward for me to watch her make entry into the building without help * Unfortunately, it’s 2011 and I see no way I can help her * Instead I have to stand here like an awkward douche-bag * I guess I could put the cigarette down … but that’s setting a bad precedent * Oh, good; she’s inside now

Point: made.

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