Six Good Reasons I Smoke Weed Featured

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I am the founder of, and lone contributor to, a blog in which smoking weed is a primary focus (to put it lightly). It kind of goes without saying, I like to smoke marijuana.

Anyone who smokes weed often enough has been asked, usually condescendingly, some form of the following question:

Why do you smoke weed?

The other day a friend asked a similar such question. I smoke weed every day, yet it had been quite a while since the last time I reflected on the actual reasons for my continued use. Since the questioner was respectful and seemed genuinely interested in my answer, I wanted to put some thought into it. When that failed, I promised I would compose a ridiculously thorough response in the form of an article for my blog. Enjoy.
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How to Get Away with Stuff #3 – Passing a Urine Drug Test

Back by popular demand, I present the third installment of EWWTY’s How to Get Away with Stuff series. This entry is all about how to pass a urine drug test.

This is long overdue. In the first two installments, my readers gained the know-how to avoid getting caught smoking marijuana at home and college with success. Though it was in my most honest intentions to write a number of follow-ups to those two, I instead opted to get high and write about something else. And then I just decided to get high. And then, well… Needless to say, I never did.

Nevertheless, I realize now how plainly irresponsible it was of me to be sending the little Google-searching hoodlums of the world off into the ravages of society with only half the formula, so to speak. The weed smoker’s trouble doesn’t end with merely getting away with the act of smoking weed. Society has another ace up its sleeve when it comes to dicking over cannabis users. Ya’ll know the beast to which I refer: the abominable urine drug test.

Notwithstanding the situation that forced you into the all-too-common predicament of passing a drug test, and regardless of the illegal substances you’ve consumed throughout the adventure of life, there is always a way for anyone to pass a urine drug test. Having said that, the options available to drug users faced with the indignity of drug testing are numerous and varying.

Furthermore, the ideal option for any given individual depends on a litany of factors, ranging from how much prior notice you’re granted, to your Body Mass Index (BMI). Below, I will lay these options out, and do my best to provide the information necessary for you to determine which course of action is best given the circumstances surrounding your drug test.

Assuming most who read this article are indeed facing an impending drug test, please try and tolerate my stupid attempts at being funny. I promise you, I’m aware that you’ve come across this article because you needed help, and therefore take very seriously the advice I give.

Moreover, I abhor the act of drug testing – as well as the frequency and manner with which it’s carried out in society – on a moral level. Given the douche-bag Republicans in Congress, and their crusade against everything decent, the practice is becoming more deplorable, with a number of US states effectively mandating that grown-ass adults be drug tested by making the reception of welfare contingent upon a urine sample. Bottom line, I feel very strong that drug testing is plain wrong in the vast majority of situations, and have a sincere desire to help those affected by drug tests to beat them.

Every method I lay out below is guaranteed to yield a passing result – it’s a matter of science. However, they are not fool-proof. Don’t be a fool. Don’t take shortcuts. These methods will work if followed correctly. All you have to do is correctly follow them. This is where you should stop skimming. Continue reading…

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Why “To Catch a Predator” Revolutionized Entertainment

By James Kalìwæ on Sunday, April 24th, 2011

Chris Hansen: Dateline NBC

You may recall a post I made a little while back regarding the awesomeness of MSNBC weekend programming.

Besides having since learned that I’m basically the only person on the internet who has anything nice to say about what MSNBC plays on their weekends, I have also done quite a bit of thinking about Dateline NBC’s To Catch a Predator. Mostly while watching the program high as shit.

Maybe it’s just the way marijuana makes my mind work, but I couldn’t stop thinking about how revolutionary the concept of exploiting the certainty of societal human behavior (in To Catch a Predator‘s case, exploiting the certainty that every community contains men who will show up to a house in which they think there is a child they can get away with fucking) as a form of entertainment.

Think about that.

The strategy of Dateline in To Catch a Predator differs immensely from the ways people usually try to entertain us. Think of it this way, what other television show totally dicks over the very people who make the show what it is?

(If you answered Two and a Half Men, get the fuck off my blog, Charlie.)

Alright I admit that’s kind of a weird way to look at To Catch a Predator, mainly because the whole point of the show is that those guys are getting dicked over. That’s the entertaining part. It’s why people watch.

So what makes To Catch a Predator so revolutionary is that it proves how entertaining it is to watch people who deserve to have their lives ruined, have their lives ruined. Which totally makes sense when you think about it; if you’re ever feeling depressed, simply turn on To Catch a Predator and your depression will quickly subside. It’s simply impossible to feel sorry for yourself after watching an hour’s worth of horny predatory men have their worst nightmare come true.

And at the hands of Chris Hansen, of all people. Not only do these pedos get caught, they also have to be interviewed by that douche-nozzle about their pedophilia before going out to face 50,000 volts of concentrated electricity to their dick (and/or get tackled by the local precinct’s token giant minority linebacker).

I could totally produce my own version of To Catch a Predator. That would be awesome as fuck.

Hansen indicated recently that To Catch a Predator isn’t necessarily gone for good, and that they might return to it upon the completion of some other stories. Which makes sense, as the reason they canceled it in the first place was because of how the intense popularity of the show became an obstacle in effectively luring the predators to be caught. Hopefully they’re just laying back until the predators become more brazen again.

Maybe they’ve already began filming a new season.

Watch out, predators!

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Oh Lordie

By James Kalìwæ on Tuesday, April 5th, 2011

I told myself I most certainly was not to consume – in any way, shape, or form – marijuana or marijuana related products this morning before my 11:40am meeting with my advisor. I’m meeting with him in regards to my class schedule next semester.

Oh yeah, and the other part of the story is that I just smoked some weed.

And yes, it’s still before noon. Not that that really matters at this point.

The meeting is no problem, I’m totally fine with interacting with people while I’m high at this point.

I didn’t used to be, I used to hate it slash suck at it. Luckily, for like two years straight, I continuously forgot that I hated it slash sucked at it because, well, I was high every time I realized those things.

So every time before a class or something I had to do, I’d be like “I should get high before I go” and then some other layer of consciousness of mine would be like “Yeaaaa!!!”

And then I’d smoke. And then I’d be high.

And then I’d be about to walk into class or whatever and be like “Why the fuck did I smoke? Going to class high isn’t fun!! It fucking sucks!!!”

And I repeated actions quite similar to that roughly 200 times since Freshman year, so now it doesn’t bother me at all. I kind of like it. It’s challenging to pretend to not be high when you’re high. It’s fun to pretend you care about all these humanly things.

I always wonder in what ways it alters my social encounters. For instance, what would have happened differently in this meeting I’m about to go to if I wasn’t high? The outcome likely would have been the same either way, but what details in our conversation would be different?

I’ll never effing know. And that pisses me the eff off.

I love writing when I’m high.

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Delaware is Finally Notable!

By James Kalìwæ on Monday, April 4th, 2011

No longer will Delaware be the butt of the joke in marginally successful comedy movies.

However, their ill may now enjoy them more thoroughly.

Bloomberg Businessweek reports: A bill legalizing medical marijuana in Delaware received overwhelming support in the state Senate on Thursday.

This is the kind of news that catches my eye.

How to Make a Waterfall Gravity Bong

By James Kalìwæ on Wednesday, March 30th, 2011

So, given my last few posts which detail tried and true methods of getting away with smoking weed at home and college, I feel obligated to elaborate on the topic of making a waterfall gravity bong.

I should note, the following specifications merely constitute my preferred style of waterfall gravity bong. You can extrapolate the physics of waterfall gravity bongs into virtually any manifestation. As long as its a closed container with two holes situated such that the suction created by its release of water draws weed smoke in, it’s pretty much a waterfall gravity bong.

Without further textual dwelling, I present:

How to Make a Waterfall Gravity Bong

Step One

First things first, obtain a 20 ounce or 1 liter plastic bottle of some sort. I went with the all-American choice.

However, I chose Coca-Cola because that was all I had on hand at the time. Recently the Coca-Cola company redesigned their plastic bottles, which is only an issue because the new bottle caps are harder to work with when making any sort of gravity bong. So if you do go with a Coca-Cola product, you might want to rummage through your garbage to find a better bottle cap; they’re still compatible with the new bottle design.

Step Two

Now that you’ve got your bottle, take an open flame to the bottom of it, directly over one of the five notches, until a small hole begins to form. The hole does not need to be that big, but if it’s too small you won’t get sufficient enough airflow to pull a hit, but we’ll worry about that later. If the hole is too big, or even almost too big, to be easily covered by your index finger, get a new bottle.

Step Three

Now you’re done with the bottle, put it aside. This part is a little harder to do, especially your first time. You’ll probably want to make sure you have more than one plastic bottle cap handy in case you fuck up.

Take the bottle cap and place it facing up on a table, and use a knife or scissors, or anything that works for you, to poke a small hole in the center of it. A small switchblade-sized knife is best because, generally, when you stab it through the top until it hits the desk, the slit it makes is the perfect diameter of the hole you want. Once you’ve stabbed through the top of the cap, slowly and deliberately twist the knife so that it carves out a perfect circle. Keep in mind that the picture above is of a grav top that has already been made, and you’ll want the size of the hole to be about half the size of the one pictured.

The next step is the most difficult.

Step Four

Once you have your small hole, apply an open flame to/through it until the plastic gets melty enough to shove this little socket wrench piece into:

Such that this becomes the final product:

And of course the beautiful final product:

From this point, you plug the hole at the bottom with your index finger in such a way that allows you to hold the bottle upright with only one hand. Fill it up with water and twist the cap on, make sure it’s airtight.

As you release your finger from the hole, apply an open flame to the socket wrench piece and watch the smoke poor into the bottle until it replaces the water. Put your index finger back over the hole to avoid letting the smoke escape, unscrew the cap and enjoy.

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How to Get Away with Stuff #2 – Smoking Weed at College

By James Kalìwæ on Monday, March 28th, 2011

Be sure to check out How to Get Away with Stuff #1 – Smoking Weed at Home and How to Get Away with Stuff #3 – Passing a Urine Drug Test.

Oh yes, here we are. It’s time for the second post in EWWTY’s special How to Get Away with Stuff features. This time we are addressing how to get away with smoking weed at college.

While my readers are already pros at smoking weed at home, I would be remiss if my next step was not to instruct them the safe and sneaky ways to smoke weed in their college dorm room and get away with it.

Smoking marijuana in your dorm room is never safe. The college or university owns your dorm room, and therefore has the right to come in and search on a whim. Your rights as a United States citizen are not the same as your rights as a student of the college or university you attend.

Just as I mentioned early in the first “How to Get Away with Stuff” post, and despite the fact that I have smoked weed regularly for over five years now, I have never been caught smoking marijuana at college, home, or by police. And I’m not lucky enough a person for that to have been by luck.

Remember, if you follow exactly what I say, you will have the knowledge needed to smoke weed at college without getting caught.

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Thank God for MSNBC’s Weekend Programming

By James Kalìwæ on Monday, March 28th, 2011

America's #1 Kid-Fucker Catcher

If it’s the weekend, I’m watching MSNBC.

Or more accurately, if I start out the weekend with MSNBC on, it’s unlikely it’ll be changed in the next two days.

Whether it be Caught on Camera, Lockup, or one of the random documentaries that’s on, I’m sure to be entertained all weekend; as long as some crazy ass breaking-news doesn’t occur, you’re good. However, there is one program that easily tops them all.

To Catch a Predator

Oh yes, I imagine this show is about as pleasurable for me to watch as the rapes these men committed prior to getting caught were to them.

What a great fucking show…

To Catch the Predator is the only program in the world that can simultaneously be a great fucking show, while also being a great fucking prevention show. There’s a juicy contradiction for ya.

[Insert Punchline Drum Sound Here]

And don’t forget, smoking weed enhances To Catch a Predator’s entertainment value immeasurably; you can almost read the sheer despair felt by a horny predatorial kid-fucker the moment they realize they’re caught.Especially the ones who’ve seen the show before. Remember, the best part about it is they think they’re about to fuck a kid, and then all of a sudden they’re on TV and getting arrested for trying to fuck a kid; two things which relative to each other form the farthest gap between the best and worst thing that can happen to a pedophile.

I truly don’t understand why To Catch a Predator been reduced to the confines of MSNBC weekend programming. First of all, why hasn’t another cable channel other than MSNBC been able to get the re-runs? Better yet, why hasn’t another reporter approached Perverted Justice to just record like 25 episodes worth of footage, and then sell it to the cable channel that offers the most money.

Because they know that everyone would watch it.

All in all, I think To Catch a Predator hightlights how awesome it is that we live in a country where catching child-fuckers is an accepted form of entertainment.

God bless America.

Stoner Munchies of the Week: Combos – Jalapeño Cheddar Tortilla

By James Kalìwæ on Saturday, March 26th, 2011

Okay so I have decided to make a new theme of weekly blog posts: Stoner Munchies.

These posts will identify one snack item I have thoroughly enjoyed while under the influence of the cannabis plant and review its quality. The end goal being, of course, to build the most comprehensive database of Stoner Munchies the internet has ever seen.

Week #1: Jalapeño Cheddar Tortilla Combos

Combos

Snack food – Combos
Flavor - Jalapeño Cheddar Tortilla
Price - About $2-4 depending on size
Availability - Gas stations/Grocery stores
Rating - 7/10

Oh yes, Combos. Who hasn’t enjoyed these delicious little snacks in the past?

I picked this particular bag of Combos up from Wawa the other day before smoking, which was smart because I often fail to remember I get very hungry when I get high.

It had been a while since I enjoyed any flavor of Combos, which was reason enough to buy each of the snack’s flavors, but when I realized I had never eaten Jalapeño Cheddar Tortilla Combos, I bought them immediately.

I was beyond satisfied, of course. The best part about Combos snacks in general is that they’re quite filling.

Another little detail, which I’m sure contributes to their awesomeness, is that Combos Baked Snacks come from MARS Incorporated, the same people behind legendary stoner snacks such as M&M’s, Snickers, and Skittles!

However, I rated this particular Combos snack a 7/10 simply because it didn’t live up to the greatness of other flavors of Combos. If you are particularly into Jalapeño flavored snacks, however, I would certainly recommend this Combos variation.

My First Marijuana Experience as a Teenager

By James Kalìwæ on Saturday, March 26th, 2011

Oh, this is always a fun story to tell. Oh, what I would give to be a teen on marijuana again. Is there any better combination than marijuana and youth?

Answer: Not for a high teenager there isn’t. I suppose that’s why no one ever forgets their first weed experience. But for all the rest of us, pretty much every combination of any other two things in the world is better than youth + marijuana. Teenagers totally can’t handle their weed.

The best part about teen marijuana use are those awesome fucking anti-marijuana ad campaigns it comes with. They are the only commercials on Comedy Central that make me laugh harder than the shows. What’s more is I can rest easy knowing they’re completely ineffective at decreasing marijuana use among teens, so they’ll never stop producing new ones!

But I digress.

So, my first experience with weed was pretty fun, although I should note I had tried marijuana before this, this was the first time I knew I was high. And there are psychological studies that support the theory that some people don’t get high the first few times they experiment with weed. I think.

So I should probably just stop wasting my time writing this introduction and present the fucking post.

The names have been changed to protect the guilty. By the way.

First Weed Experience

It all started when I got to my friend Matt’s house. We were sixteen at the time and just got our licenses. Matt and I have been best friends since we were super young, and recently each found out that the other tried marijuana a couple times. I get up to his room and right when I walk in he asks:

Heyy man, do you wanna smoke some weed tonight?

To which I responded affirmatively.

His plan was to head over to his sister’s apartment, where she would smoke us up before selling us some. We decided to wait for our Asian friend, Scott, to come over and left in his car when he arrived.

You heard right. We got in a car an Asian was driving.

We get to her house, and we smoke out of a bubbler. Definitely by far the most chronic weed I had ever smoked by this point in my life. So it goes without saying that as we were leaving, I was the highest I had ever been.

So as we walk out the door, tripping over ourselves, we make it to the car. I’m in the back seat behind Matt, who’s riding shotgun. As Scott begins to back out of the parking space, I begin to perceive us as moving about 45 mph. This frightened me enough to yell:

“SCOTT, SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!”

At which point Matt and Scott’s responses were something along the lines of “wtf, man?”

…Which was when I realized he was backing out at about 0.5 mph. I felt stupid.

By the time we get on the road, I’m repressing the urge to yell at Scott every second we continue, as by this point we really are traveling at about 45 mph and it feels like about 450 mph. Plus Scott is Asian.

I found that putting my head in my lap, in a fetal position of sorts, worked the best to calm me.

It doesn’t take long before the munchies strike, and so we decide to stop at the Sonic up ahead. We pull up and go to the drive thru, at which point they ask us for our order.

Scott: “Yeah I’ll have uhhh…”

Matt: “CAN I HAVE YOUR TOTS?!?!”

Sonic Worker: Excuse me sir?

Scott: “(Matt shut UP!) Umm, yeah sorry about tha…”

Matt: “THE TOTS!!! CAN I HAVE THE TATER TOTS?!?!”

Me: Dude! Quit it with the TOTS!!!

Scott: (Uncontrollable laughter)

Matt: “CAN I…(giggle)… CAN I HAVE A BIG CUP OF AIDS?!?!”

Sonic Worker: Sir I don’t find that very funny.

Me: Dude! She doesn’t find that very funny, man! Shut up!

Sonic Manager: “Stop harassing my employees and get off this property before I call the cops!”

Me: Shit dude! SCOTT, DRIVE!

Scott floors it and initially heads straight for the exit, as it’s right in front of you when you drive from the drive-thru. But, being Asian, naturally he somehow managed to be confused by the exit situation and ends up accidentally doing a quick lap around Sonic before exiting, as the Sonic workers watched on perplexed.

Once Scott’s Asian ass manages to find his way to the road, we end up at a stoplight. We were in the far right lane of three lanes. I looked ahead and noticed that our lane ends between the light we’re at now and the next one. But at the time there was construction on the road, so they had a diagonal line of orange traffic barrels across the lane to indicate to drivers to merge left.

By this point, I had been freaking out often during the drive over little things, so I didn’t want to mention to Scott that the lane ends up ahead out of fear that he would accuse me of backseat driving. I put my head back between my legs in fetal position, figuring he’d be able to merge effectively.

After the light turns green and we start moving again, I become lost in a thought with my head in my lap. So about 8-10 seconds after the light, I decide to look up.

What I see is Matt in the passenger seat doing the robot to a song that was playing, and Scott in the drivers seat looking directly to the right at Matt’s robot dance, cracking up. The other thing I saw was a traffic barrel about 15 feet in front of us.

15 feet in front of us at the exact moment I looked up; we were traveling about 40-45 mph, so by the time I managed to scream “SCOTT!!! MERGE!!!” it was about 7 feet in front of us. I imagine by the time Scott applied the breaks it was about 1 foot in front of us. It was raining, by the way.

So we slam into the traffic barrel, hit it into another traffic barrel which then got knocked out into the middle of the lane we were supposed to merge into, directly in front of another car, which struck it into the middle of the intersection ahead.

At this point I’m yelling at Scott to get the fuck out of the area. Which we do. We manage to make it to a McDonald’s where we got some much needed food.

By the time we got back on the road Scott was done eating and ready for the next step of our vehicular trip; interstate driving.

Granted, the stretch of i95 he had to traverse was about three miles long, it was an intimidating prospect nonetheless.

Immediately upon entering the on-ramp, Scott finds a way to time his merge so that we come up right next to a large bus. Under the influence of marijuana, and Asian genetics, he struggles to figure out exactly what to do as the end of the merging lane approaches, clearly having trouble deciding whether to speed up and merge in front of it or slow down and merge behind it.

He decided on the more dangerous one about .0001 seconds before it was too late and ends up nearly rear-ending a Volkswagen Beetle that was in front of the bus.

Matt and I freaking out at this point, instruct Scott to get behind the bus and just follow it until we got off i95.

As he pulls over to the middle lane to slow down and let the bus get in front of us, I notice that the car in front of us was not a Beetle at all, but rather some other new style of Volkswagen that looks just like a Beetle from behind, but more like a sports car from the front.

This troubled me thoroughly. I was not aware Volkswagen had a model such as that by this point in my life. I did not like the evil Beetle transformer impostor.

By the time we got in front of the bus, we were calming down a little.

Until all of a sudden, the charter bus we decided was so safe to get behind of starts acting erratically. All of a sudden it would just be driving straight in the right lane. Then it would swerve quickly to halfway over the middle lane. Then back. Then all the way to the middle lane. Then back. Then a little swerve the the left and back. This went on till we exited.

What’s worse is every time this bus swerved, it would reveal to my eyes the evil impostor Volkswagen.

Stuff like this never happens when you’re sober.

Finally we get off the exit and make our way back to Matt’s neighborhood. Once there, in an apparent last ditch effort to give us further reason to make fun of his driving, Scott stops the car in the middle of the road. No intersection or anything. Matt and I, perplexed as to why he stopped, look over at Scott, who was staring in awe at a mini stop sign that’s meant for the bike path parallel to the road and says,

Dude, that’s the smallest fuckin’ stop sign I’ve ever seen in my life.

We went back to Matt’s house and have been potheads ever since.

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Everything Wrong with Today's Youth

Personified by the Writings of an Over-Functioning Pothead

Posts tagged ‘Marijuana’

Six Good Reasons I Smoke Weed Featured

How to Get Away with Stuff #3 – Passing a Urine Drug Test

Why “To Catch a Predator” Revolutionized Entertainment

Oh Lordie

Delaware is Finally Notable!

How to Make a Waterfall Gravity Bong

How to Make a Waterfall Gravity Bong

Step One

Step Two

Step Three

Step Four

How to Get Away with Stuff #2 – Smoking Weed at College

Thank God for MSNBC’s Weekend Programming

Stoner Munchies of the Week: Combos – Jalapeño Cheddar Tortilla

Week #1: Jalapeño Cheddar Tortilla Combos

My First Marijuana Experience as a Teenager

First Weed Experience

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