How to Pass a Urine Drug Test
Notwithstanding the circumstances that forced you into the all-too-common predicament of passing a drug test, and regardless of the illegal substances you’ve consumed throughout the adventure of life, there is always a way for anyone to pass a drug test.
Having said that, the options available to drug users faced with the indignity of drug testing are numerous and varying.
Furthermore, the ideal option for any given individual facing a urine drug test depends on a litany of factors, ranging from how much prior notice you’re granted, to your Body Mass Index (BMI).
Below, I will lay these options out, and provide the information necessary for you to determine which course of action is best given your particular circumstances.
Assuming most who read this are indeed facing an impending urine drug test, please try and tolerate my stupid attempts at being funny. I’m aware that you came across this article in the search of legitimate help and educated advice. I understand that your career and/or freedom is likely contingent upon passing your drug test. Accordingly, I take the advice I give seriously. Despite my love for flippancy, I promise not to stray from factual information on drug testing – that which is backed by science, not personal preconceptions.
Moreover, I abhor the act of drug testing – as well as the frequency and manner with which it’s carried out in society – on a moral level. Due to sheer number of dickholes in Congress, the administration of drug tests in America has become more egregious, with a number of US states mandating that grown-ass adults be drug tested by making the reception of welfare contingent upon a urine sample. Because obviously everyone in the world would attain immediate wealth and success if only they had the fortitude to Just Say No!™
Bottom line, I feel strong that drug testing is plain wrong in most situations, and have a sincere desire to help those affected by drug tests to pass them. Especially given the unending plethora of shitty, moronic, and straight up inaccurate information about drug tests that’s strewn about the internet.
With all that said, the techniques I lay out on the following pages are guaranteed to yield a passing drug test result – it’s a matter of science. However, they are not fool-proof. Don’t be a fool. Don’t take shortcuts. These methods will work if followed correctly. All you have to do is correctly follow them. This is where you should stop skimming.
How Urine Drug Tests Work
Before I begin listing said methods, I’d like to first probe the annals of drug testing itself… And yes, the word choice of the previous sentence was intentional. Good writing always engenders images of butt-sex in the reader’s head. You’re welcome. But I digress.
First off, the most valuable thing I can provide anyone attempting to pass a drug test are the cold, hard facts behind modern drug testing technology. As with everything technological, understanding the mechanics of urine drug tests provides insight into its weaknesses. Lucky for you, the current methods that exist are indeed wrought with flaws. For the purposes of this article, we’ll assume marijuana is your drug of choice (though it works the same regardless of which drug your urine is being tested for, we’re using weed as an example because THC tends to stay in users’ systems longer than other common narcotics).
When marijuana smoke is inhaled, a multitude of cannabinoids – the natural chemicals unique to the cannabis plant – are given a one-way ticket to your bloodstream. While the mind-altering properties of each particular cannabinoid vary, the “high” experienced from smoking marijuana is attributed to one of these cannabinoids: tetrahydrocannabinol, or THC.
THC is liposoluble, which means your fat cells eventually absorb them. I can’t speak to the detailed biology of metabolism, but once the toxin-laden fat cells are metabolized, or burned, they pass through your liver and out your vagina and/or penis.
(Note: I hate that I have to clarify this, but since my sense of humor seems to escape many of ewwty’s [otherwise super awesome] female readers, I must note that I am indeed aware that girls urinate from their urethras, like men, and not their vaginas. What do you think I am? An Idaho House Representative?)
Urine drug tests are designed to detect a very small amount of the evidence left behind during this process.
Urine Drug Tests: Mythology & Methodology
One of the biggest misconceptions regarding marijuana use is the amount of time it takes to get out of your system. Most people assert the 30 day rule, which asserts that a cessation period of 30 days is necessary to pass a drug test. I find this to be way overstated and vague.
First of all, it depends solely on the individual.
Remember all that shit from like two paragraphs ago about THC being fat soluble? Well, by extension that would indicate that the rate at which your body rids itself of liposoluble toxins, such as THC, correlates directly with the rate at which it burns fat; a.k.a your body’s metabolic rate.
I won’t dilly-dally around the subject. It takes longer for heavier individuals to detox from marijuana.
However, does this mean that a heavyset individual who enjoys a single hit of a joint one time would have more THC toxins in their urine the next day than a skinny-ass dude who smokes multiple times every day (such as myself).
No way, in fact I’d be very surprise if the heavyset individual would even fail a drug test in that situation, while the skinny-ass dude most certainly would.
My point being, the 30 day rule applies to the extremity of these factors. If you’re a fat fucking lazy piece of shit who smokes pot all day every day and makes zero effort to exercise or do anything at all to rectify the situation of their debilitating obesity – it’ll probably take about 30 days, if not more, to rid your body of those toxins. If you’re of average stature, smoke every now-and-then on the weekends, and exercise regularly, you’ll be clean within a few days. Unless you smoke an eighth of weed every day, and have been doing so for more than a few days, the toxins won’t have accrued to such an extent that your body can’t rid itself of them within a matter of four or five days.
Now that we’ve covered the mythology part, let’s move onto the methodology of urine drug tests. There exists a number of methods through which urine may be tested for drug toxins, but for all intents and purposes, they all fall within the realm of two categories. The most common and basic of which are home drug tests. These little bastards are easy to come by, and even easier to operate. For the most part, if a store sells condoms and tampons, they probably sell home drug tests too. To make matters worse, they’re inexpensive. However, they aren’t only cheap in price; home drug tests are laughably easy to beat.