Baby Kitten Lying in a Basket With Siblings

8 TRUTHS that PROVE Listicle Writers are not KITTEN RAPISTS!!1

Listicles. They’re the best thing to happen to the internet since the advent of free porn tubes.

This is a listicle dedicated to listicle writers, who work so hard to entertain the ADHD riddled masses of the world.

∴ ∴ ∴

1. They totes know what they’re talking about.

Crazy scientist. Young boy performing experiments

Yeah, this guy knows his junt.

Yet, he’s just an average Joe, raking in the bookoo bucks pumping out enthralling cliches in numbered list form. I bet he works from home! He’s living the goddamn American dream! This is a guy I can look up to!

He def knows his junt. So much is apparent in the relentlessly authoritative tone of his writing. Besides, you don’t just sit down and write something as groundbreaking as “8 Simple Steps To Conquering The Universe, Dating A Supermodel, And Becoming A Millionaire” unless you know some shit about life.

He’s totes def not haphazardly slathering the diarrhea his bosses continuously siphon from his abused asshole all over his keyboard to magically produce such written genius. That’s not at all how listicles are made.

Jeezy peezy, I sure wish I could write like that!

2. They italicize and underline the important junt.

Because god knows, you don’t have the time or, frankly, the intelligence to comprehend such complex and revolutionary listicles as “18 Photos Of Albert Einstein Being Super Chill” and “25 Ways To Tell You’re A Kid Of The 90s” were the author not so kind as to visually denote the good parts for you. What a nice guy!

I mean f’real doe, I didn’t even realize I was a 90s kid until I read that junt.

Mind. Bliz-own.

Bottom line, us is simple folk, and listicle writers understand that.

3. They use big pictures! Just like your favorite books!

172H

How else are we to comprehend the truly mind-bottling concepts that listicle writers so generously bestow upon us without big fat pics?

Aristotle said it best, “A pic is worth a bunch of junt.”

Look it up.

4. They’re specific as fuck.

I don’t know about you, but in my experience, listicle writers are always doling out advice I didn’t even know I needed.

C’mon girlfriend, be real. Don’t act like “13 Things Guys Don’t Care About the First Time They Sleep With You” didn’t change your basic-ass life. Finally, thanks to listicle writers, you can take that dick with confidence.

5. They’re like the Dr. Oz of relationship advice.

55H

Relationships are a common topic tackled by listicle writers. They’re always coming up with the most original and unique advice.

And thank god, because I would be so lost in my love life were it not for the constant stream of vague, reworded platitudes that show up in easy to consume list form on my Facebook newsfeed.

For real, I had no idea what turned women on until I read “Guys: 10 Sexy-Smart Things You Do That Totally Turn Us On,” “7 Things Men Do That Turn Women Off,” AND “What Women Really Want: 10 (Sort Of) Secret Turn-Ons for Men Who Want to Know!

Because I have trouble absorbing an idea until it’s been expressed to me by 73 different people. But that’s just me.

6. They do shit GIFerently.

dancing banana

Think about it, before listicle writers came along, reading shit online was a dull affair. Like, reading blogs was basically one step above homework.

Thank god the early pioneers of listicles possessed the foresight and inventiveness necessary to make reading articles more like watching TV.

7. They remember all the junt you loved as a child, so you don’t have to.

Rugrats_cast

What makes listicle writers so very special is their authenticity. Listicle writers are just like you, and nowhere else is this more evident than in their enlightened reverence for nostalgia.

Yes, they’ve documented “The 18 Sassiest Things Ever Said By Angelica on ‘Rugrats.'” And yes, they know a mere 18 Angelica quotes isn’t enough to quench your thirst, so they went and wrote “18 Times Angelica Pickles Was The Realest Bitch Who Ever Lived,” which is totally different from “21 Reasons Angelica Pickles Is A Boss Bitch,” which is completely different from “21 Important Life Lessons From “Rugrats’” Angelica Pickles,” which actually is the same thing as “21 Lecciones importantes de la vida que nos enseño Angelica Pickles de ‘Rugrats,'” because that listicle writer is bilingual. And thank god for that, because our Latino brothers and sisters deserve access to such amazing reads too.

Aand no, I didn’t spend hours scouring the interwebz’s deepest crevasses to assemble these remarkably similar Angelica listicles; all it took was five minutes perusing the father (and mother) of listicles, a.k.a. BuzzFeed. And for the record, I spent one minute finding them, and the other four in a paralysis of bedazzlement upon witnessing the sheer volume of Rugrats-related literature that wonderful blog has managed to amass since 2006. It’s… just so… beautiful.

But I digress, the lesson here is, in order to reach ubiquity, you gotta drown your audience in a cacophony of Rugrats-related pics and gifs and shit. That way they’ll know who to trust when the real news breaks… Or, you know, when the fifth staff writer decides to regale the world with his opinion on Angelica’s bitchiness.

I can’t wait to read that junt.

8. They don’t give a fuck about your “intellectual property.”

Copyright Sphere

Let’s get one thing straight here: the work of the listicle writer is far too important to the future of all mankind to be shackled by the constraints of copyright law.

If you snap a pic, and a listicle writer needs it for their listicle, it’s your civic duty to fork that junt over. If you write some junt, and a listicle writer wants to copy it exactly and present it as his own, that’s his god given right.

Obvs, some people don’t get this, and choose to shit their panties over minor, harmless instances of “plagiarism.”

But that’s life. Ignorant assholes are everywhere, right?

∴ ∴ ∴

In conclusion, that listicle writers are not kitten rapists is almost a near certainty.

That is all.


More by James Kalìwæ

The DMT Experience
Six Good Reasons I Smoke Weed
Tripping on Sassafras (a.k.a. MDA)
My Adderall Addiction and How I Quit
Why I Love Read Receipts
Stoner Essentials #2 – Best Storage Containers to Keep Your Weed Fresh
How to Get Away with Stuff #1 – Smoking Weed at Home


  • Charles Karden

    (or ideally, shortly after…)

  • Charles Karden

    Thank You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I had really started to despise Listicles lately, especially the single sentence per page, 20 click long behemoths that are purely designed to create ad inventory space.

    However, in my quest for understanding of these despicable things, I ran across your article, and had to share it with my friends immediately!

    Here’s what I told them:

    “The 7 Reasons That You MUST Read This Article NOW:
    1. It’s a Must Read If You Want to Understand the Internet, and Millennials.
    2. Turns out that Everything I thought I Knew about Listicles was Wrong!
    3. I Thought the Article Was Finished, And Then Something Amazing Happened…
    4. The Point of This Article Is Incredible, And It’s Not What You Think!
    5. You Won’t Believe What He Reveals In the Ending!
    6. Turns Out I’ve Been Thinking About Listicles Completely Wrong!
    7. This Is Where Reason #7 Would Normally Go!

    http://ewwty.com/2015/06/20/listicle-writers-totally-rape-kittens-and-other-small-adorable-creatures/

    Hopefully this will drive adoption of your unique and valuable insights regarding Listicles before another blogger is falsely accused of heinous kitten violations, and curb-stomped.

    • James Kalìwæ

      Haha! Thanks for this comment, it’s absolutely priceless. I’m glad someone out there gets my egregious sense of humor. :P

      And thank you big time for sharing this with your friends!