Best Weed Grinders of 2016
I began my whole journey of writing marijuana inspired product reviews a few months ago with the Stoner Essentials series, which I kicked off with a review of some of my favorite budget-friendly grinders.
However, my intent with that first review was to cover quality yet inexpensive grinders, as I knew first hand that Amazon has a surplus of them. For real though, there’s more grinders in the warehouses of Amazon than gay men’s smartphones.
Anywho, my focus with that first review was to showcase the best grinders that get the job done without breaking the bank. And truth be told, I was just testing the waters of the whole Amazon Associates program, which I have fallen in love with at this point. Not just because of the spare change it’s netted me thus far, but the excuse to buy an absurd amount of weed paraphernalia is just swell. Dandy, even.
But given most people aren’t fanatic collectors of weed related items like me, I understand most would rather spend the few extra bucks for a quality grinder guaranteed to accompany them into old age.
If that’s what you’re looking for, you needn’t search any further.
I have sought out the two absolute best weed grinders on the market today. If you have ~$50 to spend on a grinder, these are the only two you should consider spending it on. Both are designed to be the last grinder you’ll ever own. They’re simply the best, for reasons I shall delve into thoroughly.
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How to Make a Homemade Cleaning Solution for Glass Bongs & Pipes
As I alluded to above, I get a small commission from Amazon via their affiliate program if you choose to purchase one of the grinders from this groundbreaking review. Having said that, I’ve actually tested both of them extensively (as well as countless others throughout my years as a stoner) so I’m not just making up a bunch of bullshit here. I spent roughly $150 to purchase the two grinders highlighted here specifically for this review, (I say that like I’m complaining, as though I wasn’t giddy like a schoolboy on Christmas the day they arrived) and have had good fun testing them out for my readers.
Before I dive head first into the glory that is the Cali Crusher Homegrown, I want to make clear that it’s not my intent to “rank” these two grinders. Both sport unique and innovative designs, and it’d be damn near impossible for me to state definitively that one is “better” than the other.
Having said that, the Homegrown is my personal favorite.
Sure, the entire thing is made from top shelf medical grade aluminum; but high quality materials, while desirable, aren’t the only ingredients to a quality grinder. The good folks at Cali Crusher put a lot of time and thought into the design of the Homegrown, and that’s apparent from the moment the user first puts his hands on it.
As a person who, for better or worse, uses a grinder every day, it’s hard to describe how much I appreciate these little improvements. And there’s a number of them. So, like a proper nerd, I shall go over them in list form.
Available in three different sizes
The first thing I have to point out is that you aren’t limited to that glorious golden behemoth pictured at the top of this article. The Homegrown is available in three distinct varieties: Standard, which is what they refer to the aforementioned behemoth as, a pocket size, which is essentially a thinner version of the standard size, and a two-piece version, which is the same diameter as the standard size, but obviously not as tall. The pocket size is pictured above, the two-piece below.
The Quarter Turn Locking Mechanism
The first innovation the Homegrown model offers is the “quarter turn locking mechanism.”
“Wtf is the quarter turn locking mechanism?” you feverishly inquire.
Well, it might not seem like much, but for those of us who stay grindin’ on the reg, it’s a huge improvement to the typical grinder design.
Anyone with experience using a grinder knows it entails a lot of screwing and unscrewing, screwing and unscrewing, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera.
While that may sound sexy, in reality it’s just monotonous, annoying, and wholly unsatisfying. Kind of like any sexual encounter with me… only less bad, because at least everyone winds up stoned eventually, rather than confused and ashamed.
My point is, your days of suffering humiliation and injurious social isolation due to the unsatisfying inadequacies of your weed grinding apparatus are over!
With the miraculous innovations of the Homegrown grinder by Cali Crusher, you can survive and thrive, confident in the knowledge that you’ve been blessed with an extra 2.41 seconds (on average) per fuckin’ day with which to accomplish everything that previously seemed unattainable.
And that shit adds up.
Mark my words, a couple centuries from now (cuz my generation is totes gonna live that long), as you lay surrounded by your family, struggling to maintain your final, belabored breaths, your heart monitor will flat line. As your eldest son drapes the hospital’s bleach-white sheets over your face, he will be quite startled when you pop your eyes back open like, “Nuh-uh, I ground my weed with a gen-u-iiine Cali Crusher Homegrown for the last quarter-millennia, I still got at least another five ‘n a half hours to go!”
And you’ll spend that time happily regaling your family with the ramblings of senility. You’re welcome in advance.
Bottom line, you deserve those extra fucking seconds. You deserve a seamless, agitation-free pot grinding experience. You deserve the Goddamn Homegrown. And you deserve it right Goddamn now.
…In retrospect, I’m not sure what my sexual ineptitude had to do with any of this… but I feel my point was made nonetheless. We’ll just forget that part, right?
I trust you.
Anyway, if you need more convincing, this Amazon reviewer did a great job explaining why he loves quarter turn locking feature:
The quarter turn is by far my favorite feature of this. Everyone knows it’s a pain in the rear end to unscrew your grinder 3 times around just to get at the product. This makes it easy and surprising holds up very strong when twisting the grinder.
Ballin’ Ass Kief Catcher
Something else I noticed, the Homegrown model probably has the deepest kief catcher – just in terms of sheer space – of any grinder I’ve ever used. It’s perfect for those who like to collect as much kief as possible, before blowing it all down in one session.
Other than that, the metal’s smooth anodized finish, coupled with it’s curved edges makes the kief it accumulates easier to manage. You’ll never have a problem with all your kief getting stuck in the grinder’s edges, or melding to the low quality metal from which most grinders are made.
Bottom line, the Homegrown’s kief catcher is the fucking bee’s knees – and that’s not a compliment I give out lightly.
Easily Removable Mesh Sifter
There’s yet another attribute of the Homegrown’s kief catcher which makes it superior to cheaper alternatives, and that would be the mesh sifter itself.
Not only is it sturdier than the material found in cheaper grinders, it’s also removable, which makes cleaning it super easy. Every stoner has had a problem where the mesh filter in their grinder becomes too clogged with kief to work properly. Cali Crusher has solved this with the Homegrown model.
Totally Redesigned Teeth
My absolute favorite part about the Homegrown model, however, is its innovative teeth design. You can easily see by looking at the photos that the Homegrown’s teeth look way different from any grinder you’ve ever seen. At first glance, it doesn’t even seem like a good design.
It doesn’t seem prudent to write a novel describing this new teeth design and why it’s superior to others. But our good friends over at 420 Science did a fantastic video review of the Homegrown a few months back, and they do a good job of explaining how these unique grinder teeth work.
Something else worth noting is the simple fact that Cali Crusher is a great company, and they do good by their customers (at least in my personal experience). While I’d be extremely surprised if you managed to break one of the Homegrown’s teeth, Cali Crusher nevertheless guarantees to rectify any issue such as this. And not just for like a year or two after purchasing it; Cali Crusher’s guarantee is a lifelong one.
Your fucking grandson can use it to grind his Mars weed 67 years from now, comfortable knowing that the good people at Cali Crusher will replace the coveted family heirloom should it succumb to its old age.