Peculiar Sexual Dream

Okay so this might be too early in my blogging career to talk about this; I don’t have the biggest reader base and new readers might totally be turned off by it…But oh well.So I had a dream this morning… I say this morning because it was the dream I was dreaming when I woke up. I’m not sure if it has any meaning or what that meaning would be if it did. I’ll just delve into the details.

I was at a movie theater. Front row. Don’t know why. Don’t know where – though it was familiar. Don’t know with whom – although I was surrounded by “faceless dream friends”. Don’t even know what movie was playing.

But whatever movie it was, it must have been exciting because the other little detail is that, for some reason, I had my dick out and was masturbating. Like, not blatantly or anything. I was being a sneaky little horn dog. Everyone was focused on the movie, not the uncontrollable vigor with which I was pleasuring myself.

But all of a sudden, I realize I’m not being all that sneaky, and people around me may have noticed. This thought remains in my head (in the dream) as I continue to yank my jank. As though I was embarrassed by my actions yet not enough to stop them.

At this point, one of the movie workers came up to me with their stupid orange air-traffic-control-looking flashlight-cones approaches me. I still don’t know if he approached me knowing I was jerking off or if he was doing it for some other reason, but regardless, his eyes happened upon my erect penis.

The weirdest part of the whole thing is that his response was to just kinda whisper, “Hey, put that away, man” as if he were talking about a cell phone or something.

My response: “Oh word, yeah I gotcha dude.”

And then I woke up.

Certainly ended better for me than Paul Reubens.

Ex-Girlfriend Conundrum

I’ll try to explain all this quickly.

So I have one of those ex-girlfriends who has played the role of ex-girlfriend in my life far longer than girlfriend. We dated for like maybe a two month period at some point like four years ago. But we never stopped hanging out or having sex. And now we’re at the point where she goes to college like 12 hours away so we both know we want to be together, we just can’t be right now. So whatever.

But as of lately I’ve been talking to someone new at my college. It’s getting to the point where it’s only a matter of time before she wants to update her relationship status on Facebook a.k.a. be “Facebook official”.

I can’t just say no because that’s sketchy and she’d probably think it’s weird, like if I specifically say I don’t wanna put our relationship status on Facebook, she would know I had to have a reason. But if I just put it on Facebook, my ex will definitely see it.

So I present to you the thinking process that led me to the solution of this conundrum. The names have been changed.

Uh oh, my impending “Facebook official” obligation is gonna piss off Lucy * Maybe I should just call her and tell her about it before I put it up * Ugh, that’s gonna be a fucking shitty conversation * Well it’d be better than just letting her see it on Facebook, she might comment on it with some bitchy remark – that would be just like her * What am I gonna say when I ha… * (Shining light bulb over head) * Oh, yeah! I could always just tweak Facebook’s privacy features so that she, and her sister and all her friends, specifically can’t see my relationship status! * Problem solved – Way to go, Me!

I figured going through each of my 700 some friends on Facebook and finding the ones I need to hide it from would take less time than that fucking phone call.

Hooray for the easy way out!

Okay, I'm Back

I got back to school from spring break today, during which I did absolutely nothing. Including write.

Last year I went to Myrtle Beach with some friends. I did nothing this week because that trip was so epic that my thirst for adventurous drunken spring break escapades remains quenched still to this day.

My point being that it’s hard to write when you’re not doing anything.

To make up for abdicating my post-a-day goal, I will be posting at least twice a day for the next week. So check back often.

You should also hook me up with a shout-out on your Facebook or Twitter, as that would make me feel as though more people are reading, which will motivate me to pump out more awesome content.

That would be rad. Jus sayin.

Okay, I’m Back

I got back to school from spring break today, during which I did absolutely nothing. Including write.

Last year I went to Myrtle Beach with some friends. I did nothing this week because that trip was so epic that my thirst for adventurous drunken spring break escapades remains quenched still to this day.

My point being that it’s hard to write when you’re not doing anything.

To make up for abdicating my post-a-day goal, I will be posting at least twice a day for the next week. So check back often.

You should also hook me up with a shout-out on your Facebook or Twitter, as that would make me feel as though more people are reading, which will motivate me to pump out more awesome content.

That would be rad. Jus sayin.

'FORD' is for…

So yesterday I went to Food Lion to buy a small item and receive $30 cash back, $10 to pay for a gram of pot my friend fronted to me the day before and $20 to buy some more pot, as I had smoked the last of my weed just prior to embarking on my Food Lion trip.

I departed just as dusk began to approach, and as I started driving away, I noticed that the ‘door ajar’ light was on – next to the ‘buckle seatbelt’ light, which is always on when I’m driving cuz seatbelts are for pussies [scsm] – although all my doors were clearly securely closed. This was only a problem because when a door is open while the car is on, the car lights remain shining. Which is only a problem during the time of day which was at that point rapidly approaching.

Luckily I didn’t take too long in Food Lion and I managed to get back on campus before it got too dark. However, later in the day I was very hungry, and as usual I had no food in my room because I spent it all on weed (a rather ironic predicament to find one’s self in).

But could I go drive somewhere?

No.

Because I can’t see out the window at night when my car lights are on. Plus, a Virginia Beach cop will definitely pull you over for some bullshit like that if they don’t have anything better to do at the time.

So I went hungry.

Actually that’s a lie, I mooched maad food off assorted neighbors.

But I didn’t enjoy it. I’m a giver, taking is repugnant to me. [scsm]


‘FORD’ is for…

So yesterday I went to Food Lion to buy a small item and receive $30 cash back, $10 to pay for a gram of pot my friend fronted to me the day before and $20 to buy some more pot, as I had smoked the last of my weed just prior to embarking on my Food Lion trip.

I departed just as dusk began to approach, and as I started driving away, I noticed that the ‘door ajar’ light was on – next to the ‘buckle seatbelt’ light, which is always on when I’m driving cuz seatbelts are for pussies [scsm] – although all my doors were clearly securely closed. This was only a problem because when a door is open while the car is on, the car lights remain shining. Which is only a problem during the time of day which was at that point rapidly approaching.

Luckily I didn’t take too long in Food Lion and I managed to get back on campus before it got too dark. However, later in the day I was very hungry, and as usual I had no food in my room because I spent it all on weed (a rather ironic predicament to find one’s self in).

But could I go drive somewhere?

No.

Because I can’t see out the window at night when my car lights are on. Plus, a Virginia Beach cop will definitely pull you over for some bullshit like that if they don’t have anything better to do at the time.

So I went hungry.

Actually that’s a lie, I mooched maad food off assorted neighbors.

But I didn’t enjoy it. I’m a giver, taking is repugnant to me. [scsm]


Hyphenation

So, I was wondering…

You know how dumb short sighted people will get married and join their last names together in the supposed name of gender equality?

Like, if a man with no testicles marries a feminist. And his last name was “Johnson” and hers was “Avery”. And then they have a kid. And they give him some douche-bag name like “Spencer”. And then their child’s name is Spencer Johnson-Avery.

You know morons like that? Well if not, they exist.

I’ve always been curious as to what happens when Spencer falls in love with “Ginny Burner-Pardee”.

Answer: They realize how fucking stupid their parents were

Fucking Laundry

One washing machine. One dryer. About 25 dudes.

Collected all white dirty laundry * Go to laundry room to see if anyone is using it * Nice! No one is * Put them in washing machine * Waited * Put them in dryer * Went to collect dark laundry * Decide to wait a few minutes because the dryer takes 60 minutes while the washer takes a mere 24 * Performed menial task for few minutes * Went to laundry room * Some fucking cocksucker bogarted the washing machine.

But wait. There’s a hidden blessing in having the washing machine bogarted:

Went back to room angry * Friend comes over * Asks me if I wanna go smoke a cig * I do * Can’t find my cigs * Realize they were in the pocket of the jacket I was about to wash!

I guess I just have a guardian angel.

Japan

Woke up * Turned on tv * Heard report of tsunami and earthquake in Japan * Fell back asleep * Woke back up * Started making coffee * Smoked some weed * Got cup of coffee * Remembered my brother is in Japan * Got kinda worried * Went on Facebook * Saw status from brother indicating his well being * Found out my only class today was canceled * Smoked some more weed.

What a hectic day so far.

Awkward "Passing By" Moments

We all know what I’m talking about.

You’re walking to class, or work, or what have you, when you spot an acquaintance. At first, they’re clearly within a recognizable distance. Yet, still too far away to engage in any vocal communication – but rapidly approaching.

What first goes through your mind is the nature of your relationship with the individual (Enemy? Friend? Drunken hook-up?). Followed by the decision of what should be said in passing. If anything.

This is the point where I need to make a distinction between two types of people. Engagers and Repliers.

Engagers seek to be the one who speaks first in passing; the one whose greeting is to be replied to.

Repliers are the ones who remain quiet unless engaged upon.

The degree to which a person is an Engager or Replier varies depending on context; for instance, someone who is typically an Engager may become a Replier when approaching a more gregarious Engager.

(But the same scenario with the same two people could be flipped on it’s head a mere 24 hours later, depending on what I call the DIF, which obviously is short for ‘Drug Intake Factor’. Next day, it turns out Mr. Gregarious was actually Mr. Likes-to-take-adderall-before-snorting-cocain. That DIF is some shit.)

If I’m not mistaken, this creates four categories of possible outcomes any time two members of a community walk past each other. They are as follows:

  1. Engager walks past Replier – at what point the Engager says something like, “Hey, how’s it going?” and the Replier responds, “Not bad, you?” Typically the smoothest transactions.
  2. Engager walks past Engager – at what point both parties attempt to engage in menial passing dialog and in doing so create a moment which they can both enjoy, as Engagers are typically chipper and outgoing and cherish imperfect moments such as those.
  3. Replier walks past Replier – at what point both pussies pretend to be looking at anything else other than each other, yet are both well aware that the other is doing the same thing.

Aw, fuck. I guess there was only three. If A=B then AxB=BxA or some such shit.

Anyway. Back to the hypothetical situation I was describing:

So as you approach the person you decide two things: what you intend to say if the approaching person says nothing, and how you intend to reply if they engage.

The only problem is we make these decisions prior to any actual vocal communication. This can at times result in some rather weird moments.

For instance, someone says, “What’s good?” and I reply, “Not much.” A rather depressing verbal encounter when you think about it.

Or when someone says “What’s up?” and I say “Pretty good.” Which just totally doesn’t make sense.

Basically, these moments are inevitable in life. So get used to them.

Boom. Awkward passing-by moments explained. You’re welcome.

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