Today I woke up, stumbled to the sink in my room to brush my teeth, opened the medicine cabinet AND OUT CRAWLED A BIG-ASS MOTHA FUCKIN COCKROACH!
I must say, however, it’s a fantastic way to get your blood pumpin’ in the morning.
Especially if you’re like me and insects of all sorts freak you the fuck out.
Do you people get what they are? Insects, especially cockroaches, are basically fucking aliens, except the planet they evolved on was Earth during a totally separate time period as us. Earth was so different when they evolved, it might as well have been an alien planet. They are not suited for our comfortable lifestyle.
Anyways, back to the issue at hand. It’s like the fourth time I’ve encountered a cockroach within a single minute of waking up, just a few days prior I opened my door and a little bastard ran in right past my feet. I did what any self-respecting man would do: I danced up and down on my tipi-toes like some old western douchebag was shootin at my feet… and yelped.
So, I’m not sure if I keep seeing the same little bastard or if there’s a bunch of little bastards. But this I do know: They’re smart little bastards and are aware of when I sleep and when I wake, because I never see them except for in the morning when I wake up, then they run away to some little hiding place and I never see them again.
They’re plotting our downfall from within the confines of our very own homes. And we’re just sitting by, clueless to the impending take-over of the human race by our insectual rivals.
I must implore you all take necessary measures to ensure that your house is rid of all these evil cockroach fiends, so that our society may be free once more from the threat of dictatorial insectual rule.
In the mean time, I’m gonna keep using them to help me wake up.
It’s a problem every weed smoker faces at some point throughout their life: Smoking weed at homewithout getting caught. It’s no simple task.
I’ve smoked weed long enough to know how to get away with doing so in just about any situation short of air travel, so I’ve decided to share my tips on successfully getting away with it at home.
Having never been caught smoking weed – by neither law enforcement nor parental authorities – I’d say I’m a reliable authority on the subject of smoking weed at home. It has nothing to do with luck; I’ve never been caught smoking weed because I follow a very rigid set of guidelines whenever I get high which guarantee I won’t be caught.
Also, I’m white. So that helps.
You are very lucky. You are about to read a blog post. The first in a line of a theme of blog posts. Blog posts that will collectively contain every bit of relevant information with regard to getting away with all the fun shit us youngin’s love to do.
If you follow what I say, you will be able to smoke weed at home without getting caught by your parents. Having said that, nothing is foolproof. Don’t be a fool. Don’t take shortcuts.
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*Update (12/7/2015): As 2016 approaches, I’m stricken with the sudden realization that this article is about to be FIVE FUCKING YEARS OLD! Which I understand is probably not too monumental of an anniversary for you, but for me… it’s a total mind-fuck. Like… you don’t know how ancient that makes me feel.
Anyway, I digress. The reason I’m inserting this little aside right here is because, despite the fact this article has consistently received more traffic than anything I’ve written since, it’s been quite a while since someone has commented on it. I figure it’s a psychological thing… people are just less inclined to comment on old shit. Having said that, and this astounds me, the number of views this article gets has literally increased every single month since it was published.
My point being, I’d love to see some new comments on this article, as I know you little weed smoking hoodlums are reading it. I mean, if you have nothing to say, don’t force it for the sake of my ego; but don’t remain silent just because this shit’s old as balls. I know at least some of you mofos have your own methods for getting away with smoking weed at home – don’t be afraid to share your expertise with your fellow stoner brethren!